I was pretty nervous about coming home last night. Leaving my Owen alone in the hospital. But after seeing the three boys smiling, I know I made a choice I can live with. Right is hardly appropriate for the decision I had to make.
The first thought when I woke up this morning was, what am I going to do when life starts? What happens when the family goes back to their lives, and Doug back to work. What do I do when it’s me and the kids … I’m the stay at home mom again. Who will I talk to when I need to distract my mind? Who will listen to my inappropriate comments and jokes … just because I don’t know what else to say?
That will be a true test – am I and my faith strong enough? When the paralysis on my daily life is lifted, will there be a breath? Will I pass the tests? Will my daily life fail the apnea test by three points? Time. I keep just saying … time.
We called to check in with the Donation Network. They have started him on a few more drips and are drawing labs every four hours. He did well during the night. We are still waiting for some more information to come back from his Echo, but so far nothing has been ruled out.
It looks like his liver might go to California. The distance will push out Owen’s OR time farther since the other donor team will need to fly out here to get what they need.
I lift up Owen’s nurses & doctors. May they find peace. Lord, if you are listening, they deserve the next miracle. They are your earthly hands caring for this small body. They have been strong and they have cared for more than just Owen, my family. Let them be next with a miracle. Know what their hearts yearn for and hear it. I know that I don’t have the power to pay them back for what they have done for my family. Let me them feel the warm that they have provided my family.
I am going to go and call the funeral home now. Something to occupy my mind while we wait for a surgery time. I need to go back to the house and get Owen’s baptismal blanket too. Go into the same room where he left me. Maybe he’ll be waiting there for me.
One step at a time. One minute, one second at a time.