Before all of this happened, I was working with a few other moms at church to start a mom’s group. We call ourselves Supermoms 🙂 We decided today would be our day to introduce ourselves at service.
Several asked if I was ready to return to church. It never crossed my mind that I wouldn’t be. I have felt the warmth of my faith through this whole thing. I wanted to be even closer. I have gotten my energy from others and I have longed to be in a group again.
I was greeted with all kinds of familiar faces, including my fellow Supermoms. Those that didn’t meet my eye, I wondered if they knew who I was. The grieving mother of a 6 month old. I wondered if they knew it was MY Owen that Pastor Chris spoke of during his messages. It’s me! I’m the Melissa, my husband is the Doug and my angel child is the Owen you have heard about this past week.
Service was held outside in the garden. It was my first outdoor service since I’ve joined this church. What a wonderful experience. Kids were welcome and playing in the grass. I drew Leo, a good friend’s son, a picture of him. He told me my drawing of him looked like a monkey … and he was right! It was his innocence and honestly that was comforting to me. Children do not know any real emotional pain. They still trust and believe the world is made of crayons, hot dogs and Skittles. What a wonderful world they live in.
The message was about Owen. How I wished I had brought the boys with me. He spoke of the walk Doug and I had taken with him over the past two weeks.
No one person had asked him “why?” Why would God allow a 6 month old to die? I didn’t even ask why. In my previous struggles, my car accident and my flight for life, when I found that I was pregnant with Jaden but still had college to finish. That’s when I screamed WHY ME? I screamed why am I having triplets? Really God, you couldn’t let me have one normal thing in my life?
But with Owen, I felt warmth. I felt acceptance. I didn’t question why. I lived in the hope. I didn’t bother to question. I think it’s because when I’ve done it before, I haven’t gotten very far. I’ve never gotten an answer. It’s left me in more pain and confusion. I believe the answer is beyond our human understanding.
Did God allow Owen to die? Yes. Was it in his great plan to have him live a short life? I don’t think so. He loves me. I have to believe that he wouldn’t have given me a son, allowed me to love him so deeply and planed to have him ripped from my hands all too soon? I don’t believe it was part of his big plan.
I do believe that he will make something good out of this. Whether it’s his organs living in someone else. Or if it’s his story bringing comfort to others. I do not believe that it was his plan all along to have Owen die. Because I believe, there is always hope.