Before all of this happened, I was working with a few other moms at church to start a mom’s group. We call ourselves Supermoms 🙂 We decided today would be our day to introduce ourselves at service.
Several asked if I was ready to return to church. It never crossed my mind that I wouldn’t be. I have felt the warmth of my faith through this whole thing. I wanted to be even closer. I have gotten my energy from others and I have longed to be in a group again.
I was greeted with all kinds of familiar faces, including my fellow Supermoms. Those that didn’t meet my eye, I wondered if they knew who I was. The grieving mother of a 6 month old. I wondered if they knew it was MY Owen that Pastor Chris spoke of during his messages. It’s me! I’m the Melissa, my husband is the Doug and my angel child is the Owen you have heard about this past week.
Service was held outside in the garden. It was my first outdoor service since I’ve joined this church. What a wonderful experience. Kids were welcome and playing in the grass. I drew Leo, a good friend’s son, a picture of him. He told me my drawing of him looked like a monkey … and he was right! It was his innocence and honestly that was comforting to me. Children do not know any real emotional pain. They still trust and believe the world is made of crayons, hot dogs and Skittles. What a wonderful world they live in.
The message was about Owen. How I wished I had brought the boys with me. He spoke of the walk Doug and I had taken with him over the past two weeks.
No one person had asked him “why?” Why would God allow a 6 month old to die? I didn’t even ask why. In my previous struggles, my car accident and my flight for life, when I found that I was pregnant with Jaden but still had college to finish. That’s when I screamed WHY ME? I screamed why am I having triplets? Really God, you couldn’t let me have one normal thing in my life?
But with Owen, I felt warmth. I felt acceptance. I didn’t question why. I lived in the hope. I didn’t bother to question. I think it’s because when I’ve done it before, I haven’t gotten very far. I’ve never gotten an answer. It’s left me in more pain and confusion. I believe the answer is beyond our human understanding.
Did God allow Owen to die? Yes. Was it in his great plan to have him live a short life? I don’t think so. He loves me. I have to believe that he wouldn’t have given me a son, allowed me to love him so deeply and planed to have him ripped from my hands all too soon? I don’t believe it was part of his big plan.
I do believe that he will make something good out of this. Whether it’s his organs living in someone else. Or if it’s his story bringing comfort to others. I do not believe that it was his plan all along to have Owen die. Because I believe, there is always hope.
You are so strong and such an inspiration to me. There are so many times I’ve wanted to type a comment to you to try to make you feel better but then I read your post and you end up making me feel better. Continued love and prayers being sent ya’ll way.
I truly believe that Owens purpose and mission remain a mystery and might for some time. While he is our warrior and his gifts plenty, I don’t think any of US can wrap our heads around the impact he has had. He and your family have touched so many, even globally. You shared your hopes, fears and then your loss with us. I find myself wondering how you are doing, have you found something in your day that made you smile? Have you located a sock that the last time you saw it was on Owens tiny foot. I want to hug you and say it will be ok but the raw reality is that I can’t say that cause I would never pretend to know what you are feeling or will feel. I haven’t buried a child. When my son was in the Nicu people repeatedly told me how sorry they were that he was sick and came so soon. It made me angry that they would tell me they understand my pain and fear. Truth is they didn’t get it and I just wanted them to talk to me like they had before. I wasn’t fragile just scared. Time will help heal and Owens mission will become more and more clear.
I was sharing your story recently and as the words passed my lips it felt so fresh and I realized that this “just” happened. I can only imagine what you feel like. I wonder why they don’t know more about this so that it doesn’t happen again. So many whys!!!
Hang in there Melissa and Doug! There is an army of Owens Warriors behind you!
nothing i say will take the pain or loss away…but i hope you know that you have inspired me in so many ways!! your honesty, your strength, your faith, your love for the world around you, and for sharing your hurt, loss, saddness, happiness, and worry everyday!!
I am with Nancy on her post that i think about u daily as i go about my daily routine. thinking about what we tend to take for granted..having the strength to crawl out of bed in the morning, enough strength and fight to shower and tackle the days events. you have made me so much more aware of the world around me.
May god bless u, doug, and the rest of your family and hold u up when ever you need him to!
I wish there were words I could say to make it all better for you, but I cannot think of any. Your faith and strength are amazing! I think about you at times during the course of my day and continue to pray for you and your family.
I can’t stop thinking about your family. It weighs heavily on my mind. I’m just a fellow mom, and I want to be part of the group helping you bear this burden. You are not alone.
I wish I had gone to church to hear the sermon and see you there. Your strong faith and love for Owen during what your family went thru has strengthened my faith to deal with my own family issues. You’re a great example for us moms! You should be sure to make copies of your blog for the boys when they are older so they can read Owen’s story. You are a gifted writer! I’m so glad you are a part of our church! Prayers to you and your family and angel Owen tonight…….and always.
I have been following your story for a week. It breaks my heart, as a mother, to read about your heartache. I have been keeping you and your family in my prayers every day.
Everyday I think of you and your family. You are doing Owen proud, I hope you know that. He is with you always- wrapped in your love as you are wrapped in his- today and everyday. Many blessings to you Mel.
A friend of mine lost her son, suddenly, at 13mos old. I remember the pastor at his funeral saying, “God is mourning with you today. God’s intention is for us to live, that is why we are here.” Unfortunately – heartbreakingly, things go wrong with human bodies and too many leave this world sooner than they should – sooner than was intended for them.
Many question, “Why did God take this child?” I remember another quote (with respect to the death of a child) in which it was said, “God didn’t take this child, but He did receive him.” I prefer to think of God’s role in these terms. I prefer to think that God would much rather our babies be here with us, as intended, living out a human life before returning to God for eternity. I prefer to think that even though God has received our babies with full love He mourns the loss of their earthly life.
You are amazing Mel, and a very gifted writer. You are definitely a Supermom. Peace to you today.
I’ve posted a couple of replies to your entries and just want you to know
that I am a mom who just happened upon your blog (via another forum) and will forever have Owen in my heart and mind. I cry when I read your entries and when I think about what you are going through. I can’t imagine, nor will I even pretend to. Unlike you, I actually ask God “Why?”. I guess my faith is just not as strong as yours.
My mom lost a baby girl (a twin (boy/girl)) to SIDS when she was 24 days old. I never even thought about how she might have felt/gotten over it/handled it/etc. until I started reading your blog. It has given me a newfound respect for my mother (who passed away a year ago). I was the baby girl who followed the twin, and she went on to have another boy, and another set of B/G twins. Growing up, I was not even aware of how affected my mother must have been. She did a great job of raising her remaining children. Oh, how her heart must have been broken, though.
Anyway, know that Owen will forever be a part of my heart. He was a baby doll and is now an angel. Do whatever you need to do to get through each day. Keep the memory alive for his brothers.
You remain in my thoughts and prayers, and again, I am so sorry for your loss!
I’m praying for you and your family,and for Owen in his new life.
I was just wondering,if you feel like answering,were the boys identical? thanks and many prayers. Sandra
I would LOVE to see that picture of Leo!
I have been reading your story for about 2 weeks and I find myself daily checking in on you. I am so sorry for your loss of a sweet baby, life can be so cruel sometimes, just wanted to pass my sympathy on from Texas and let you know me and my princess wore Orange for Owen. May he forever live on in your heart and others.
I found a website company that takes a loved ones clothing or bedding and makes a keepsake bear out of it. It can be embroidered with a name, date- or whatever you would like it to say. I plan to have one of my mom’s sweaters made into a memory bear.
I might be a sweet thing for your boys or you to have – just a thought.
love and prayers continuing for you all,
Oops- here is the website: