How is it that the world functions as if nothing happened? People look at me as if I am normal. They walk, talk and act the same. How? The entire universe has been altered. The earth doesn’t spin on the same axis. The sun shines different. Yet, I’m the only one that notices.
I’ve been thinking about the two little girls who received Owen’s heart and liver. I wonder if they think of our family like we think of theirs. I wonder if they pray for our healing like I continue to pray for their physical healing. I dream if the little girl will have Owens temperament and if she will be laid back and a lover like he was. Will he become a part of her in more ways than tissue and valves? If I meet her will I recognize her? I think how amazing it will be to feel his heart beating. Don’t mind me little girl…I’m just going to rest my heart on your chest. I want to hear his smile again in the rhythmic beating of his heart.
I decorate myself in orange. Nothing is too bright of an orange. I bought a candle today just because it was orange. :). The color is comfort to me. Males me feel like I’m still honoring him even if I’m not talking about him.
Jaden talks more about Owen’s death as the time passes. The other day he wrote Owen a few letters and asked me to mail them to Owen. I tried to explain that Owen had died there wasn’t a place to mail them. “Mom mail them to heaven … You said that’s where he is.” Of course! What was I thinking?
We had some friends over today. These friends loved the triplet babies very much so you can imagine that the questions about where Owen started when they walked in the door. My girlfriend seemed uncertain if it was painful for me when his name was brought up so much. I think it was also the pain of having to tell her innocent children about the death of a baby. These are the truths of the world that we hope to shield our children from.
I, however, loved it! I listen hard when kids talk about non-earthly stuff. They are pure and open to the things that aren’t of earth. I listen to learn. I want to see the world through a child’s eyes. Without judgment or bias. Without logic and uncertainty. What a blessing it would be to get a glimpse!
When one of the children asked where Owen was I replied that he was in heaven. The other child replied “I can hear Owen when it rains. You know … When he’s bowling! And when he gets a strike he laughs and that’s lightening”. I loved it. I can head Owen when in rains. Something I would have never thought of on my own but a beautiful picture painted by a child. I have so much to learn.
The prayers are working. Peace will come. But I don’t think it will ever dwell alone in our house. Grief and pain are permanent room mates now. Wether I want them to be or not.