Now after a month I am flooded with questions … why. Was I not a good enough mother? Did God look down and think, Melissa can barely handle triplets. She doesn’t have the strength so I’ll give life to this other child instead. A child of a more deserving mother. Did I do something to deserve this? Was God mad that I didn’t give the triplets enough attention or Doug and I fought too much? Maybe God thought that Owen’s life deserved to be lived in a ‘quieter’ home.
I screamed in the car tonight … uncontrollable screaming. I felt like a tea-pot bursting … screaming that god awful screech. Only it was ugly. A hideous sound. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I was driving … driving the same road that the ambulance drove. I screamed and cried and yelled all the way. Remembering each intersection that was blocked by police cars. Remembering the lights as we drove under them. Glancing over my shoulder, watching the paramedics give Owen chest compressions. Wanting to hear what they were doing, but not wanting to interrupt. I kept thinking “he’s gone.” My son died tonight. I drove the same road tonight. The difference? I felt something tonight. I felt a WHOLE lot tonight. On May 21, I was strong, calm, numb. Tonight I could barely see through my tears, my chest so tight I could barely breathe, my nose running, screaming, yelling just to let feelings out.
I want a new life. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t this life … I don’t want to be a grieving mother. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s getting to hard, I want out! Please just let me travel a different path. Give this one to someone else … someone stronger.
I drove all the way to the hospital. I parked the car in the parking lot outside of the ER.
I kept looking for a sign that God was with me. I channel surfed the radio while crying in the parking lot of the hospital. I half expected to hear a man’s voice telling me to be still, He was with me. No such voice came on the radio. I didn’t hear a message through the song lyrics. I didn’t see an angel in the clouds. I saw and heard nothing to let me know he was there with me. It made me angry. I have followed you faithfully. I have not questioned your plan or your will. I have praised you. I need you now. I need you more than when I felt you in the hospital. Why are you leaving me alone when I am lost and angry?
I started driving home, wondering if Culvers was open so I could get some fries and ice cream. No such luck. I’d never make it in time before they closed. I went back to the basics. Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. I know He loves me. I feel alone, but I can’t be. He wouldn’t …
All of these emotions came charging at me without any real notice. They are real. They aren’t fake … the words shared by others who mean well but really sound more like a Hallmark card. These emotions are the ugliest truth, the harshest reality. Raw, true human feelings.
I want to know where Owen is. What is he doing? What does his soul look like? Is he alone … are there others there with him? I could paint all different kinds of stories on what heaven is like, but I want to hear the word. I want to read what Jesus and God tells us heaven is like. I am searching for some kind of proof or evidence of what it’s like. I know heaven is there … I just want to be able to picture where my Owen is.
Love, Mel