I haven’t written in a few days, partially because I don’t have much to say. I haven’t figured out how I feel yet to be able to put it into words. It’s also partially because it’s all dark and yucky. I don’t like being so down all the time … the dark one who only speaks of her son who has passed. But honestly? It’s all I can think of. Every few minutes, if not seconds, I think about it. Sometimes it’s a flash back of finding him in his crib. Other times it’s a fond memory like how I could feel his butt right in the middle of my stomach while pregnant, or the raspberries he used to blow or how he always slept in the same position (flat on his back, arms spread above his head).
The anxiety is more intense. The numbness of shock is starting to wear off. But it’s all messy and jumbled. Nothing makes much sense. Am I angry or just in severe pain? Am I crying because I miss him or because I’m hurting? I can’t breathe – is it because of the memories of the past or the thoughts of the future without him? Perhaps it’s a little of everything, but it all bleeds into itself. Pain comes out as anger. Sadness as a short temper or fatigue. Nothing is what is seems to be or should be.
It’s time to start talking to someone. I’ve been a big supporter of counseling for a while now. I found that it helped through some high school depression, was a comfort when away at college and now something I go back to when I need it. (I don’t usually talk openly about going to counseling, but I figured I’ve blogged about the most painful part of my life, I might as well let readers in on how I recover from it.) I’m not sure how I want to go about this. Do I talk to someone one on one? Or maybe to a pastor? Or would a support group make the most sense?
I hesitate if it’s even going to help. No one will understand completely. No one’s story is like ours. No one knew Owen as a son like Doug and I. I think of the parts of the story that I cling to. Being a part of triplets, Jaden, the blog, finding him, the medical tests, donating his organs. Who else will be able to relate to our story? Perhaps someone else has blogged about it, but was their story as public as ours? If their child was a triplet, was he 6 months old and did he have an older brother?
If their story isn’t the same as mine, how can they possibly know what I”m feeling? And if they don’t know how I feel, how can they help?
I know help is out there. Books, support groups, counselors, therapists, etc.
There are friends who have the ability to make me feel better, even if it’s just for a little while. Take tonight … after flying the coop and going for a little ‘shopping therapy’ at Michael’s craft store, all it took was a text to a friend. “Want to grab a cup of coffee tonight?” She met me for dinner. For 2 short hours, I had a little break; I didn’t feel as heavy. Even if it wasn’t permanent, it was a break for just a little while. I need to remember to come up for air every once in a while. The breaks are what helps me sustain my strength.
We talked a lot about Owen and how I was feeling. What was becoming hard, what did I think about all the time. We talked about how we both cope. She didn’t do all the listening … which was nice. It gave me a chance to think about something else. It also let me know that she trusted me. She shared just as much as I did. I wasn’t alone in the conversation. That’s what it was … not a therapy or listening session, but a dinner between two friends having a good conversation.
I love her, not because she knows me the best, but because she doesn’t look at me or treat me like I’m broken. She also doesn’t treat me like nothing has happened. She treats me like Mel. The woman who lost her son, but is still searching for reasons to smile. Who still enjoys her three living boys. Who wants to get better, and get stronger each day. She doesn’t try to understand how I feel. She doesn’t validate that what I’m feel is ok or right. She’d never be able to work for Hallmark — she doesn’t offer greeting card responses. Rather, she responds with questions to better (not fully) understand. She offers parts of her own story. We laugh. Our dinner was just what I needed tonight.
I have a feeling, this ’emotion jambalaya’ is only going to get worse as more of the numbness wears off. But I think I’m ready to ask for help …
I won’t say it will ever be OK or say that I know at all how you feel. I know what pain of losing someone that you were not ready for him to go feels like, but not a child. God will heal your pain. It will take very long and maybe forever. Lean on your friends more, lean on Doug more. I hear your laugh and I can see your smile. Time my dear.
I honestly can say – I am unsure how I came across your posts. But, just a day or so after your sons passing I came across it. Maybe just to be a prayer warrior for you. I am a stranger to you from another city – another state……but I am praying for you. Deeply saddened for your lose. Praying for you…..
Is there a way to send you a private email?
I know my story is not the “same” as yours, but after my loss I did go to therapy. I cried a lot, i was angry a lot and felt lost a lot. I didnt think I could do a group right away. I was almost annoyed at others who wanted to share their story with me. Like they thought by me knowing others suffered would make me hurt less about losing my children. I opted for a counselor who specialized in infant loss. She was really helpful. She didnt justify the why or tell me I would have a family one day. She helped me sort out my feelings, she supported me and she let me grieve. Whatever you decide, sharing will help. The hurt never stopped for me, I just got better at living with it. Thinking of you…
So happy you had a great dinner with your friend. Still praying for you and wearing Owenge.
I think you are definitely on the right track. I have no idea how you feel, and no one else will have the same story… but talking to someone and learning how to cope will only make you stronger. I came across your story through a friend, and havent stopped thinking of your Owen, you, and your family. I am a fellow mother of triplets, and your strength through this has amazed me. Keep taking it one day at a time, and ask for help when you need it. There’s a big world out there praying for you…
Please check out http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx. There are chapters all over the US. A friend of mine who lost her daughter contacted this support group and has been a member for years. I know it helped her to talk with others who had lost a child. They are the only people who truly know how you feel.
I will be praying for you!
I myself think that no one know what I am going through. I was left by fiance for someone else, had a preemie baby, was a single mother, lost my son just after christmas at a tender age of 5 months,,,,anyone have a story like that? Your story is very heartbreaking. No one knew your son like your husband and yourself. No one knew my son like I did. We were eachothers everything. I also found that it was time to ask for help. I joined a support group of bereaved mothers in my community. I have seen a social worker/grief counsellor twice now who lives three hours away – worth it? maybe. I also have been given some medication to help. I can’t sleep…going on just over a year now. I started to blog so people understand what I am going through. I don’t do it for myself, but more for others. My mom looks forward to my posts every day. I enjoy reading and following your blog as well as many others I have stumbled across. I have no words of wisdom as I also am in a place where things are dark and gloomy. At the end of every day I am alone….in my home (that used to be mine and my son’s) I also have a friend who can distract me. She lost her son at 23 weeks gestation. She understand the idea of “loss” and can ask all the right questions and can steer a conversation into something bright and happy. I don’t smile much these days. I have been known for my smile (hence my screen name) Sorry, my thoughts these days are all over the place. I just type what I am thinking even if it is all over the place. I don’t want to forget to say something that I was thinking.
Anyways, virtual hugs to you Mel and your husband. Your children are so cute. Give them a little squeeze from me and have a good night. Take Care
When I had my twins I was devastated that the girl had Down Syndrome. Her sonograms were normal for the markers for Downs so the diagnosis was unexpected. And she had a stomach defect that needed to be fixed immediately after her birth. That first month was a blur, surgery, g-tubes., she in NICU at Children’s and her brother in NICU at St.. Joe’s. It did not take long for me to get overwhelmed and depressed. Talking to friends and family helped but wasn’t enough. Twin groups were hard because no one else had a DS baby. And the DS community was hard for me to see how she might be when she is older, and everyone felt their child was a blessing but me. I did find some comfort in books So after 3 years I started talking with a social worker, then moved on to a psychologist, and then, moved on to a psychiatrist who felt I needed some medications. It was with her that I could work thru my dark rage, profound sadness and talk about how my life had changed in an instant. .Gradually I worked thru things, but I no longer am the woman I had been before my daughter’s birth. Sometimes I still feel like a Martian with how different my life is from others, but I’m less angry, more hopeful.
You are more aware of your needing to do something than I was. Dinner with your friend was a nice “normal” thing to do. We need other women for support! I chose a female psychiatrist for that reason. And after all this time, I still see her when needed.
I just wanted to share my story with you because you have been so open with yours. I pray for strength and comfort for you, and compassion and understanding from those who support and love you. Be sure to tell others what your needs are as well as what you don’t want! We love you Mel!
I recently bought a Orange leaning towards a pink shirt, Thought of Owen. I have lost a bunch of family, In have lost a child through a miscarriage. I have no idea what you are experiencing, Im just another reader who is sending as many positive thoughts and prayers of healing your way.
What shocked me the most, was that my SIL knew of your story. Her and I haven’t really spoke an awhile, It touched me that she knew of your family…
I am not a religious person, but if there is a God, I have to ask why has so much pain and anguish been inflicted??.. I am like Mel, I struggle to make any sense of this??
Through your brutal honesty and openess, you’ve given me something I have been looking for over many years; strength, closure, renewed faith… I struggle to put the right words in place. Typically if someone gives you something “thank you” is what we say, but I don’t feel thanks is quite the right thing at this time. However please know you and your family are in my thoughts and I am going to hold hope in my heart for you, Doug, the boys and the rest of your friends and family.
Maybe you could start with a conselor one on one and then ease your way into a support group? Find what makes you feel better! I continue to pray for God to give you the strength you need and deserve. I know you mentioned in an earlier ‘blug’ (hehe) that you are not strong and why do people keep saying that? From the eyes of a stranger to you and your family, you are strong! To be able to share your thoughts, feelings and last moments with your son to the world is not something everyone would be capable of doing. You gained support from around the world! So to me, you are strong. Just because you are sad and angry doesnt mean that you are not strong anymore. It just means that you will steer yourself in the direction you need for the time being. Whether it is counseling or sharing dinner with a good friend. You are seeking ways to keep moving forward and that takes a strong person. You are an amazing mother to the three boys you have at home, I can tell from the way you speak of them! They are very lucky to have you as their mommy.
You, your family and Owen are in my thoughts daily and will continue to be.
Good for you in seeking counseling. I hope you right the right fit. I think some one on one and group counseling would be best. No one elses experience will be exactly yours, but healing with other parents that have lost children will be comforting.
As many have said before me, words truly cannot express the way we feel when we read your blog. I just feel like I must write SOMETHING. If only to tell you that we are all here sharing in your pain and and confusion – crying real tears for you and your family – offering our thoughts and prayers.
Btw, prayers and counseling are wonderful. But don’t underestimate the power of appropriate medication at a time like this.
I second the starting with a counselor and doing some one on one discussions and then maybe working your way into a group will be the next best move for you. You clearly like to get your feelings out (which is wonderful) and you are good at expressings yourself without rose colored glasses. I bet in the long run you would love a group. No one there will likely have the same story as you….but they all know pain. And pain is pain….no one persons pain is more important than another of course. So for any person in pain or grief to reach out and seek help no matter the outlet you have to admit is a great step in healing. I have been following your blog since a friend of yours posted for prayed on FB. I am captivated by your posts, your strength, your honesty and your willingness to share all of yourself with us. Please know I am daily praying for you and your family and continued healing. Big kudos to you for ASKING for help and seeking out what will make you the best you that you can be. Many hugs and prayers for you and your family.
no one’s story will ever be the same as yours or anyone else. But the pain of losing a child of any age or in any matter is the same. No mom or dad ever wants to lose a child and I think that pain is universal when one does have to say goodbye to their child at any age. Prayers sent your way
I’ve been following your blog and been amazed at your ability to articulate what you are feeling, even when you don’t know what you are feeling. Each time I read an entry, I think to myself, “she’s going to be OK”. Having been on my own similar journey, I know where you are. The worst time is when the numbness wears off. I think you are wise to look for some support.
We tried support groups. One, I left a meeting feeling worse than when I walked in. I think because it for anyone who experienced the loss of a child at any age. How could this lady who lost her 30 year old son understand MY loss?
The other was helplful, through our Children’s Hospital. It was for neonatal loss. It was not well attended, and once we were the only ones there, so we kind of got some 1-on-1 counseling. Another mom showed up just as we thought to leave, almost as though she was sent by God to help us find our way and understand some questions we had for the future. No answers, just insight for when we were ready to move on to a new chapter.
You may have to try a couple of groups before you find THE one. I do have some resources for you online groups for parents that have experienced loss of a multiple. Please contact me privately and I will share them with you. These groups have been a lifeline for so many in the early days. If you want someone to “get” you, you’ll find it there.
I didn’t find the groups until after about a year and wish I had known about them when everything was so fresh. I’m not so active, but read daily posts.
I would also be happy to chat with you via email if you would like. I am a member of MOST and you can confirm with them that I am real.
I also wanted to say “THANK YOU” to that friend who sent the simple little text. I’m sure after reading this that she knows what a profound impact that little gesture had on you. She is truly a blessing to you, and I’m sure to others. We all need to surround ourselves with good people like her. May she be blessed in life in the way she blesses others.
I have been reading and praying for you and your family ever since you received the terrible news about Owen. Although I’ve never suffered through everything that you are feeling and thinking, I have been to therapy for other needs and I found it helpful. I would not go to a pastor or other religious leader for therapy if I were you. Your faith is already strong. If I were you, I would go to a licensed therapist specializing in the loss of a child. Once you have worked with him/her for a while, then I would venture into support groups. But, you first have to focus on yourself and your family and the best way to do that is one on one.
Good luck! I’ll be in the corner cheering you on!
I was so worried about u not posting anything. I was praying hoping that everything was ok. I mean I kinda figured it had to be becuase u had nothing to say, I know its been hard, I’ve been praying for u everyday. I wish I could tell u that the hurt will go away. I know it will take time. I’m so happy to hear that u had a good time with your friend, sounds like she’s an awesome friend to have. Do that more often, try and get out when u can. God bless u, always thinking of Owen and your family.
Good for you! I think counseling is very beneficial and I have just started going back to deal with my anxiety/grief.
I don’t think that any 2 people deal with lose the same way, or that any 2 situations are the same. I have learned through my grieving process that I might relate to some aspects of another person’s story but that everyone deals with things so differently. I will NEVER say to another person who is going through a loss that I “know” what they are feeling, because I don’t. I might be able to relate a bit, but everyone has unique feelings.
I will continue to pray for peace for you.
Of course no one’s story will be exactly like yours. But I remember thinking something similar before I went to my first support group too. How could anyone possibly understand. And as the couples went around the room telling their stories, one by one, each different from the next, but each so very similar in so many ways. What I found is that, although the details of the way we lost our children are different, the way we feel about our children and the feelings of grief and loss are all the same. So much the same. For me, I felt so thankful to know that the feelings I felt were actually normal. And that others felt some of the same too. I also was so thankful to hear the stories of the couples who’d lost their children a year or more later to get a glimpse into what this journey might look like. I personally have found great support in my support group and have made friends that I believe will be around for a lifetime. We are bound by something so sacred, the brief lives of our children. Each person grieves differently and needs something different, but it’s worth a try to try to reach out in different ways to find what works for you. I pray for clarity and peace for you in this journey. These are difficult times, and I am sorry that you are having a rough time right now.
It looks like you have reached the point that you need to seek outside help for your grief, which is good as the fact that you know you need help shows that you are still functioning. And it is not a sign of weakness or not being strong enough, it take more strength to ask for help than to remain where you are. I agree with the above comments and think that you need some one on one councelling, and I would think that a trained professional who is experienced with dealing with infant loss would be the best person for you. That person might not have gone through the same thing as you but they are trained to help you through this difficult time. Medication might also help in the short term to quiet your mind so that you can stop playing the ‘what if’ game and not coming to any resolutions. You might need more support than that, and so support groups would also be good for you, just to know that maybe, one day you can feel a little better than you do now. Just the same as you joining up with multiples support groups before the triplets were born, those members would not have had the same journey as you, but their story would have been more similar to yours than a mom who had singletons, no matter how close in age they were.
Support comes in lots of differnt forms, you get a HUGE amount from this blog. The professionals, the support groups, your church, your friends and family will all be there to help you. It just depends on where you are that day and what support you need as to where you go for your support.
You are the only person who can experience the loss of Owen as a Mother, but that does NOT mean that you have to take this journey alone. There seem to be loads of people ready to step in and give you a hand. Take it, you would have done so to help you with your boys( and probably still do), and it is still the same help and kind gestures that people want to give you now.
PS I was trying to pick out sheets the other day and couldnt, then I read the brand name on one, Orange Monkey, decision made right then! See Owen is still everywhere!
I struggle with what I could possible type to make you feel better. And every time I just come up with “Nothing…Nothing I can say will at all make her feel better…THIS SUCKS!” So that is what I’m going to say. <> to you…my boys wear lots of OWENGE these days!!
dear sweet mel
a super big hug for you. what you and your beautiful family are going through makes my heart ache. I just want to say you are amazing, strong, and you are doing more than some parents can do in this situation…your talking about it….your making sure your son is remembered, that he was real and that he did exist. Some parents cant even do that. There is a site called saving grace that is for parents who have lost a child, mainly babys up to 1. This site was founded by a couple who lost their daughter grace when she was 30 weeks pregnant and then they founded this organization for people who just want to talk about loss of their child..no story will ever be the same and talking will sometimes help sometimes not because no matter what at times you will feel like others just dont understand because its not the same. But remember..god doesnt give you more than you can handle..we dont know why things happen or why god chose owen, but owen is special because he was chosen…chosen to be an angel to someone else…Keep your faith, stay strong, god is always with you, and owen is looking down on his beautiful family and is beautiful mom and he is so sooo proud. god bless. all my love.
You sound normal. You sound like myself and so many I have walked with since losing their children. Grief seems to physically move in and plant itself. I remember a counselor telling me I was suppossed to be feeling the way I was. It was then that I allowed the waves and the pain to stay. I agree with you, I wanted my old self back. I never, ever thought I would go through an hour or even a day without being consumed by my grief. It comes and goes for me. Laura died in my arms July 3rd, so this is now my wave of panic and anger, and deep sadness. There are days I can’t imagine I won’t get her back, and I can’t breathe. It is then that I have to allow those darn feelings…we ALL loved our counselors in our household. God put the right people in our path..
I think you should go to whoever feels right for you to talk to. But I hope that you and your husband go together on occasion. How is he coping with his feelings? How are the two of you? I hope you two can fall into each other for comfort. And how is Jaden dealing with the loss of his brother? Maybe a good family counselor for all of you. I just hope that you and Doug are sharing the thoughts that you write about. He is the one person who truly knows how you feel cause he shares your story too. Keeping you in my thoughts….
I have been reading your blog since your little Owen was in the hospital. I want you to know that I think about you and pray for you and your family daily. I have a son that was born the same day as your triplets. I could never imagine loosing him, or imagine what you are going through. Do know that your story has changed my life. I no longer cringe when he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming because he is teething. I actually take advantage of the extra cuddle time to rock him back to sleep. Because of you I am reminded daily that every moment I have with him is a blessing. Thank you!
I also wanted to let you know of a group called Compassionate Friends. It is a support group for parents who have lost children. One of the Co-leaders for the Waukesha group is a good family friend of mine. Her name is Karen. I did some searching online and all I could find was an old newsletter but at that time they met at on the 4th Monday of each month at 7:00pm at
Salem United Methodist Church
541 Hwy 59
Karen’s phone number is 262-363-3091. I know she wouldn’t mind if you wanted to give her a call to confirm when they meet.
I hope this helps if you decide to go!
I know you don’t know me, but I am also always willing to talk. I am pretty much a stay at home mom(in Waukesha) and since my little guy was born on 11-11-10, we might be going through some of the same things baby wise. 🙂
A couple of months after my baby boy died, I stumbled upon a pregnancy/infant loss support group, hosted by our local hospice. It was good, but I foudn out that they also did FREE 1-on-1 sessions. That was literally my lifesaver! When people think of hospice, they usually think cancer &/or old people, but from my experience, the counselors understand the grief process better than anyone else. It was SOOOOOO helpful, and I went for probably a year. I tried several other counselors before and after, and NONE got it like Big Bend Hospice!
Each day, I send prayers out for your family…..peace in the storm, and for Owen 🙂
Much love and peace in this next step of your journey–Tara
My son was stillborn in February. I have been seeing a psychologist that is affiliated with the hospital I delivered at. He is an infant/child loss specialist. I am seeing him today, actually and I always look forward to seeing him. He gives me a new perspective on what I am feeling and I always leave there feeling better.
I also read Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. It relates tragedies to the story of Naomi and Ruth in the bible. It really helped me with my faith and to sort of understand why these things happen to the best of us.
Big hugs-I always think of your little boy when I see orange clothes.
I started going to therapy almost a year ago. What got me going was my kids. They were acting nervous and having trouble in daycare and school. My counselor said that they were reacting to my feelings. I miscarried last year, not the same loss, but a loss, and have a history of being abused. I thought I was handling it all well on my own, but the emotions I was trying to suppress were being absorbed by my babies. Now, we are all doing better, not perfect by any means, but better.
Also, I have MS and tried to go to a support group for it, but found that comparing the disease process was too depressing. Maybe I could go after I discussed it a bit more with my counselor…we haven’t gotten there yet, I have too many other issues to work through first!
I guess that was my way of voting for one on one counseling. Thinking of you. Praying for you.
Mel, I just recently found your blog. I am so sorry about the death of your sweet little Owen. Reading your post today I wanted to share that after I lost my twin girls born prematurely, I found a lot of support and help from a local pregnancy and infant loss support group, seeing a therapist, and online support groups. I now have my two best friends in the world from the local support group and even though our losses were different we just know how to support each other. I also found a lot of support from the following online group: http://www.nationalshare.org . I will keep your family in our prayers.
My husband gave me strenght to go on and my dr. He said can’t help today but prescribed meds helped me through the death of my Mother and much time. 9 years on July 5th. I still get wound up and have learned to talk n share my pain, it does get easier but you still have other babies that are always demanding n a 4 year old and a husband and a house ! Just take a breath and relax. dont try to be a superhero . we all need some help now n then !
Mel, you are completely right that no ones story will ever be the same as yours, but ther are many support groups out there for helping with the lose of a baby, child, etc. I know when my cousin lost her baby at 2 1/2 months she joined a support group at the hospital I believe and also saw a personal one on one counselor. You do what you feel is right in your heart. We are all here to support you and I wish you the best. And please still let me know if you need anything. 🙂 Thinking of you always.
I love reading on here how no one has a story just like the other, thats what makes everyone different and unique. How one person deals with something is not the same way another person would in the same situation. I think support groups can be great if they are moving in a forward not reverse direction. I know many people like confiding in their clergy, and although they may have some education in grief etc, its good to remember that they are still people. I think counseling is great. I have had a therapist for 4 years and while some may say “you should be done by now” my thought is “how can someone else tell me the time frame of grief and pain” no one knows what the best answer is for someone else. Maybe for you trying all 3 would be good and finding out what is exactly right for you. Whatever it is, you have many people, lots who have never met you, who are wishing you the best
Your loss is truly heartbreaking. Your strength is breathtaking.
griefshare.org – it is a biblical based support group.
I’m a HUGE advocate of counseling. Been there—done that—lots of times and have NEVER been ashamed of it. It’s what keeps me from caving in sometimes.
You probably won’t find someone who knows what you are going through here on earth but Christ does. He’s brokenhearted right there with you. Lean on Him. He’ll help you through.
BTW…I would LOVE to have a t-shirt. Maybe you could slip a Womens medium or large aside just for me. 🙂
Not sure how to contact you other than through the comments. I know this isn’t the place I should put this, but I want to invite you to our house for the Lions Daze Parade. We live right on Main St and have lots of shade and plenty of kids for your kids to play with. If you don’t have anywhere else to go, and would like to join us, PLEASE DO!!! We love having the company! Either email me: firstname.lastname@example.org or find me on FB, Devlynn Ihlenfeld.
Many years ago I lost my son under tragic circumstances. Though the details of my loss are different . . . my reaction was like yours . . . numbness, no one will understand, mood swings, constant thoughts, need to talk, the need for others to remember my son and not walk on eggshells as if the event hadn’t happened. I too thought about seeking counseling to find relief or someone that might understand how painful the loss was, or provide advice on how to cope. I didn’t . . . instead I chose to bury these thoughts and feelings and just get through it like a trooper. This was a mistake . . . the feelings followed me, numbness was the usual, and ultimately affected the way I lived . . . A certain sadness and vulnerability was always near the surface. It took years, but I finally went to one-on-one counseling. The release from the therapy allowed me to experience real feelings and happiness again. Though I don’t know you personally, I think you and your family are amazing and courageous! I encourage you to talk to someone who can help you cope with all of the emotions that accompany a loss. My prayers are with you.
I doubt anyone is expecting strength from you at a time like this. Allowing yourself to break down to an unbiased third party might be just the thing you need right now. Whatever you choose, I wish you peace.
Heather Spohr of http://www.thespohrsaremultiplying.com lost her 1 year old daughter suddenly and has been bloging about the grief of loosing a child, life after the loss of a child, and how she keeps the memory of her daughter alive by helping other familes. Hopefully her story can help in in someway, I hope you check her story out.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Mel, As I started reading your blog I thought “it is about the time when she needs to start talking to someone” and then you brought it up! You should be proud of yourself for wanting to talk to a counselor, it is a big step! I am a Christian counselor and my advice would be for you to find a female, Christian counselor in your area. Right now I’m sure you feel as if you are trying to hold a bunch of beach balls under water and you can’t hold them all down. Just by meeting with a counselor and talking through how you feel will help, I promise. God Bless, Angie