This morning we pack up and head back to childrens hospital. This time for all the boys except Owen. Logan, Weston and Jaden have their EKGs this morning. I’m honestly not sure what to pray for. Do I want an answer so we can know and find possible treatment? But live in fear of if its going to strike again? Or do I pray that they are healthy, like any mother would? so caught in the mix of knowledge over safety. But is knowing the truth safe? Life is so messy.
So as I get my family ready to head out of the door, I whisper my prayers over each baby. Let God’s will be done. Please give me the strength to face whatever we find out today. Whether it be a diagnosis or a bill of clean health.
I hold parents who were never given any kind of cause so close to my heart. I feel so selfish for being scared for the truth. There are moms out there who long for even somewhat of an idea. I’ve already been blessed with that and here I write about whether or not I want the diagnosis. Sickening.
Fellow mourning moms, this one is for you. I call on your strength and remember your story this morning. I don’t feel worthy to be in this place. Let another mom find the answer, I don’t know if I want it. I’m self absorbed and selfish.
It’s time to get the boys dressed. Then we are off to fight another battle with little warrior Owen.
Ps I’m totally decked out in my orange today! Even put in an orange hair highlight clip!