This song is haunting me these days. I can only sing the chorus from memory … but it makes my heart break and sing at the same time. It takes my breath away but it shouts everything I’m feeling.
Owen isn’t just a boy to read about online. He isn’t just the color Orange. He is MY son.
Sometime there are sharp flashbacks of the night … of the hospital, the way his skin felt, his hair soft and his pouting lip. The image of his lifeless body in my hands when I lifted him from his crib. The way his chest rose when I gave him breaths. His lifeless eyes, staring. How I deprately wanted his eyes to close as if he were sleeping. They were empty. I knew he was gone when I looked at his eyes.
The memories are vivid and interupting. They make it hard to breath, my tempurature raises, my chest tightens. Then there are moments where I try to go back and remember him. Remember the night, the ambulance and the doctors. But it’s like it didn’t happen. I can’t believe that he’s actually dead. Never to breath or walk again. Never to smile. Forever frozen in time. He’s still so alive to me. He’s so close, giggling in my ear, reassuring me (his mother) that he his near. How can he be gone if memories of him flash so clearly? How can I remember every detail of his face if he is really gone?
I think of the ashes still sitting on my mantle at home. It CAN’T be him. I can still feel his skin. I see my hand rubbing from his forehead and over to the back of his head. I can feel his skin. Cold from the cooling blanket and soft when changing his diaper. He’s not gone. But he is. Gone. Fucking gone.
Lyrics:
I’m down on my knees again tonight
I’m hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I’ve done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I’m sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes
CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he’s not just anyone
He’s my son
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he’d like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He’s so tired and he’s scared
Let him know that You’re there
CHORUS
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don’t leave him
He’s my son
I can’t make it through that song, and I did not lose a son. But I have two sons and so I fear losing them, every day. Missy, you have every right to be angry. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry.
I can only imagine your pain. This song speaks to me just cause I have twin boys. They are here and beautiful- I can touch them every day. I rejoice in this.
I am so sad for your loss. Please know I pray for you, your family, and Owen when I pray. Lots of hugs and prayers to you.
Let’s be real, here. I was literally yelling at my son to go to bed and spanking him less than 5 minutes ago. I couldn’t believe just how mad I had gotten at my 3 year old for not going to sleep. He is one of a triplet set, GGB. I lose it sometimes at bed time. I mean it’s after 10 PM! I sat down at my computer and thought. I can’t FB post that I just almost said “Shut the F___ Up!” at my 3 year old. So I saw your blog post and thought I would read it. Thanks for bringing me back to reality and the bigger perspective of what’s really important, Melissa. Thanks for the song, too. 🙂
That song is incredible. I can see why it touches your heart!! I know this might not mean much coming from someone you have never met, but please know that it is ok to be angry. Thank you for continuing to share your raw emotions with us. Praying for you Everyday!! For all of your family!! Love, prayers and virtual hugs heading your way from Utah!!!
Once again you have brought me to sobbing tears! Even though I don’t know you personally, I thank god everyday for you because you remind me what amazing creatures my boys are. Thank you for always being willing to open your heart to us. You are truly an awesome person to be in contact with!
Every day, my heart shatters for you. What happened is not right or fair, and I’m sorry.
I imagine you feel so out of control at times. All this has happened beyond anything you could do to stop it. And now that it has it must seem so unreal to you. For all that you have to deal with, the pain, sadness…I am truly sorry.
Oh Mel, that song is beautiful and powerfully haunting all at the same time. Thank you for sharing it, and thank you for being real.
I do disagree with you on a something…I hope you don’t mind me saying so. He’s not gone. Not really. His mortal body may be on you mantle at home but Owen is as alive as he ever was. Even more so, in spirit. He breaths, he walks, and he definitely smiles. He IS alive and he IS NEAR YOU. Do you really think your Father in Heaven would take him away from you completely? I don’t. I told you before and I will say it again, Owen is with you. He watches over you, comforts you…reassures you. You are his mommy. His mommy…you gave him life. He could never leave you.
He’s not gone forever…just waiting for you on the other side. You will see him again. I know it…with all my heart.
It’s okay to grieve…it’s okay to be angry. I’m sure all those feeling are very normal…You probably go through cycles of feelings.
Just don’t give up…have faith that Owen is there watching over you and your husband and boys.
My heart breaks for you. We’ll continue to keep you and your family in our prayers!
Love,
Melanie
I’m so sorry Mel. Even for me, it’s hard to believe he’s gone, and I never met him. I can’t imagine what it’s like for you, or your family. I do know that Owen’s story has forever touch mine and I will never forget him. I believe Owen is with you in spirit. Always watching over is brothers. Thank you for sharing this song with us, it’s beautiful.
Mel, I totally understand your raw emotions, your anger, and your loss…
that song brought it all flying back…
You don’t know me…I am only one of your followers, and I’ve never even posted anything before. But I have to agree with Melanie…you WILL see your son again. He IS waiting for you. Hang onto that promise and know that so many people are praying for you and your family. I only wish I had that same promise…
I have a daughter and two sons. My older son (who is now 40) and I have not spoken in years…so many that I don’t even want to count them. It is a terribly long story, but has to do with a divorce, a remarriage, and an angry teen-ager who wanted nothing to do with a step-father and moved back in with his own father at the age of 14. He harbors unforgiveness towards me and my new family ( I had another son with my second husband) and he wants nothing to do with any of us. ( there are also two step-children)
Years later when he got married…he did not invite any of my family…only me and his sister. I agonized over going alone…I was hurt and heart-broken- that on his wedding invitation his bride’s parents (who were both remarried-so there were 4 names) and his father’s name and new wife were listed as all the parents. It was like I didn’t even exist. Of course, now looking back, I should have gone, but my broken heart wouldn’t let me, and this is why he will not forgive me. That was in 1993.
I’ve said all of that to say this: If my son chooses to never forgive me, and if he never turns back to the Lord…I could have lost him forever. (I have tried every way imaginable to communicate with him and he rejects me each time) Mel, I realize this in NO way can alleviate your pain, and I am NOT trying to make my pain bigger or worse than yours. But there are times when I think that if I had lost my son as a baby, at least I’d know where he was, that he was with Jesus, that he was waiting for me…that he still loved me.
I am so sorry for your loss. And even though my son is alive, I actually do understand your pain. My heart feels like he died at the age of 14.
I will pray for you. You are not alone.
Sharon Jones
I was at the WI STATE FAIR today & saw someone in an OWENGE shirt, & wanted to run over to her & give her a big hug. But the mass of people between us prevented me from doing that (and I thought it may have scared her, too, if I did that.) But anyway, I thought of you, and Owen, and your family, and again was reminded to pray. There are so many praying for you!
Lots of love………………xoxoxo
Okay…so I’m back again. After I commented earlier today I started browsing through some of my favorite songs (if you cant tell I cope with things through music) and came up with a few I wanted to share with you.
Just let me cry by Hilary Weeks
http://youtu.be/zt0BKDOe3x0
and
Stay with me
http://youtu.be/kHj7KFgmFgY
(now the video stills are from an actual family that lost their daughter back in the 80’s. We have a video with their story. It’s extremely sad but hopeful…I could even get you a free copy if you want one. Let me know.)
Love,
Melanie
The movie is called Together Forever is case you were wondering
Melissa,
I got your blog info from a friend of mine who has a friend who knows you. She thought it might help me deal with my situation. I am pregnant with twins and one of my twins will not survive after birth due to renal agenesis. I want to thank you for being raw about your feelings. I realize I have time to process that I am going to loose a child and you did not but it has helped me to learn how you have handled the unimaginable grief. I am grieving now but know I will face what you have once the twins are born. I am so scared but this blog helps. Thank you.
Kelly
A while ago you asked why people read your blog… this is why. Thank you. The song is beautiful and so are you.
I feel saddend for you. You have every right to feel the way you do. Let the feelings out…. I just can’t imagine. My heart again is aching for you. Sometimes I just don’t understand how bad things happen to good people. The big picture in life doesn’t make sense sometimes…. keep your faith and keep asking for God’s help.
A book I just read “Heaven is for Real” about a 4 year old that had a near death exper ience was amazing and if you haven’t already read it, would paint a lovely picture of where your little Owen is spending his new life. I had 2 miscarrages before my 1.5 year old son and my 6 month old son were born and I believe my babies are waiting to meet me someday in heaven as well. I feel comfort in that. God bless you Mel. Thoughts and many prayers.
Katie,
I was just talking tonight with my “grown up” best friend ( have not talked to anyone I went to school with in a year or two, life has just gotten in the way, sad I know) how I would like to get that book but I’m ! to cheap and 2 to poor to send $12 on a book…I too have had two miscarriages yet I have my 11 year old daughter because of them…… I feel ya sister!
E
I read it too, after so many of Mel’s readers suggested it a few months back. It is a fantastic book. I highly recommend it.
@Katie…I believe my two babies are in heaven waiting for me too…
I had one miscarriage in 1974, and another in 1987. My best friend
died in 1994, and I always picture her in heaven with my two little ones…
I know we will all be reunited some day. ♥
Just as Mel will be with her little Owen…
God bless you, Mel. ♥
I had two miscarriages also, one right after the other yet I beleive it was My Madison that was just not ready to enter the world and now I have had her for 11 years….. STILL hard to go through and not many people talk about miscarriages…. I learned my mom, grandma and others had them after mine… My heart goes out to you.
Love,
E
Your postings have been a blessing to me. I don’t have children, but I understand their impact on the life of a mommy and daddy. I don’t have nieces or nephews but I understand their impact on the aunts and uncles. Same for sisters, brothers, grandmas and grandpas… My heart goes out to you from one stranger to another. Your family is a blessing. Strength, courage, and perseverance radiate through you all. Thank you Mel. Prayers are on their way.
I could not read all the comments through my tears…. Was this song made for you? LOL ( really not funny but I rather laugh then cry)…. Yet again I have been brought to tears and I get mad that my kiddos won’t do dishes or help clean the house. You once commented on the two past comments I have made here on your blog thou we have never and most likely will never know/meet each other personally …. But I think and pray for you and yours every day and if by chance I forget Mitch (4) reminds me and about the scooters and his buddy’s even thou one is in Heaven! BTW his scooter broke but must be fixed and or get a new one so he can ride with Owen and his brothers one day! Kids I tell you, can make you SOOOOOOOO mad one minute then cry the next!
Love E and Fam!!!
So sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.
I’m still too young to have children (17) and so I don’t know or can’t even fathom what it would be like to lose a child… or to even have one. But I do see how you talk about him, and picture how you would have looked at him with loving eyes and as a writer of writers, I feel deep down how you love Owen, even after passing. I agree with everyone above. He is waiting for you and when the day comes that you do finally meet again, he’ll be proud that you are all that you are as a woman. So keep holding on, striving, surviving, remembering and living!
Yeah…I’m back…again…and I’m actually sitting here in my living room in my BRAND NEW OWENGE shirt. YEAY! But that’s not actually why I am here.
I tagged you and your blog in a post on MY blog today. I hope you will come by and read it.
http://melaniesmethodicalmusings.blogspot.com/2011/08/hope-in-eternal-families.html
Love,
Melanie
I don’t have the fortune of having any kids, but that song made me cry. I think about you and all the parents that are sitting at their childs bedside right now, all over the world and how many this song rings true for them. God bless all of them, and you for sharing it with us.
Your post was very touching…ironically, I had just listened to the song a couple hours before your post. This song holds a special meaning for my family too – we heard the song for the first time about 8 years ago when my brother was diagnosed with cancer. You have every right to be angry…just have faith that Owen is always with you! I think of you and your family ever day! Take care, Jamie
Mel. I can just imagine how u feel everyday. I come on here and read and hope that you have posted a new blog, but only becuase your story has touched my heart in so many ways. I am so sorry for your loss. Owen will forver live on. Lots of us never met him but we feel so very close to him by your beautiful writing. Always thinking of you all. God bless.
I agree with another poster…I can’t make it through that song…
I’m so sorry for your loss.