We took Jaden to his Jump Start at school. We took all of his school supplies with him (so he doesn’t have to take them on the bus) and met his new teacher. This year went a lot better than last year. He could write his name and he finished his project with Mrs. R correctly. Last year he just look blankly when he was asked to write his name and his project was all over the place. I was a proud mama.
While Jaden was working on some stuff with his teacher, Doug and I were given two forms to fill out. One was a list of people in Jaden’s family so when Jaden talks about them, she’ll know who they are. So logically I wrote the following:
- Mom – Melissa
- Dad – Doug
- Brothers – Logan & Weston
- Yaya – Maternal Grandma
- Pa – Maternal Grandpa
- TiTi – Aunt Rachael
- Jake – Uncle
- Eric – Uncle
- Sherri – Aunt
- Grandma and Grandpa from Green Bay – Paternal Grandparents
Doug stopped me … “Ugh you’re forgetting someone. What about Owen?” Tears. What about him? How could I have forgotten to include him? How could I, his mother, not put him on the list? Of course he’s Jaden’s brother. Of course he’s still a part of the family.
My biggest fear when this was all happening in the hospital was that we would look like a family of 5 to the outside world, but we are a family of 6. Then I turned my nightmare into a reality. I did it. No one else. The mother forgot her son. The mother let her son disappear on paper as if he didn’t exist. I’m disgusted. I’m hurt and shocked that I did that. I don’t know why.
After Jaden’s meeting with his teacher I parted ways with the boys and attended a parent meeting. (I’m serving as the Staff Appreciation volunteer … yep I can’t say no to anything haha) We went around the room and introduced ourselves. My heart started to race … what am I going to say? Do I come up with something clever? Do I just say it like it is? Do I avoid the topic?
Everyone has their happy first time mom intros … I have three kids, my son [blank] is my oldest and is in Mrs. [blank’s] morning class. I’m sooo excited to be the [blank] volunteer.” What am I supposed to say? “Hi my name is Melissa, I have four boys. One of them is dead.” Then they all gasp and the entire mood of the room changes. So what did I do? I’ll tell ya .. “Hi, I’m Melissa. My oldest son, Jaden, is going to be in Mrs. R’s AM class. I also have triplet 9 month old boys at home. So .. I have four boys.”
The principle just smiled really big at me. She paused. I nodded and she got it. I wasn’t going to go there. I let everyone believe the life I should have. But I only have 2 babies at home. It’s just not natural for me. I want to be honest, but I don’t want those sad eyes. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I’m ok. Probably better than I should be. I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel comfortable with those that know my story. My friends and family who know all about the last three months. The ones that were all the funeral or sent cards. Those are the people I feel comfortable around. I feel like I have to be someone else when I’m with “strangers” or when I’m introducing myself. I hate that. I just want to feel accepted in my own skin. I want to be able to wear my life on my sleeve without getting pity from everyone.
I’ll keep praying for comfort. For the right words to find me when I need them. Just wish I had them now.