Logan woke up screaming tonight … he was pissed! Doug took a turn and almost got him to sleep before passing him off to me. I rocked him and he dozed into a restless sleep. He had the sup sups. He was asleep … but not very peacefully. I rocked him some more, hoping to help him settle down before laying him back in his crib.
It wasn’t long before I was having flashbacks of holding Owen after his surgery. The dim-lit room, rocking in a chair. The weight of his head on the crook of my elbow. His naked feet. Logan’s steady breaths were like when Owen was on the respiratory. I remembered laying my head on his shoulder, just praying and hoping with every atom of my body that he would stir. Willing him to move, to flinch. I nuzzled my nose into Logan’s shoulder and he shuttered before settling back in. Pain. Flashbacks of the emptiness of Owen’s body. To the machines rhythmic sounds. To my hand on his chest, memorizing what it felt like, knowing it would soon be over.
Logan’s head was hanging over my elbow, his mouth slightly open. I pictured Owen’s head in my elbow, with the breathing tube still there. Capped off. His lips parted slightly. The corner of his mouth had formed around the tube. The dryness of his lips and putting cherry flavored carmex on them.
Logan’s hair was sweaty from snuggling. Owen was cold and clammy. After his surgery it felt like we had taken a walk in the crisp autumn air. His skin was cool to the touch. Logan was flushed from snuggling.
I cried because I wanted Logan’s reactions to be Owen’s. I cried because I was wishing one son to be another. I cried remembering the emptiness and heavy prayers I said for five short days. I held Owen’s hand just waiting … hoping … willing to do anything to feel his little fingers close around my own again.
I rocked Logan … I cried for Owen.
I love your writing. The raw emotion… I could never imagine going through what you did – but you bring your pain to life through your words.
**LOVE** from Germany… I hope that it will get easier – eventually!
It has to be so completely gut wrenching to go through what you are going through. UGH! I just want to scream and cry for you…all at once.
Know that we are still praying for you here in WA.
Hang in there Mel.
I am sad to say i have no words of comfort for you….tho know i cry with you and we are lifting you in prayer.
I think we all wish we could bring Owen back to you; I can’t imagine the pain you feel-I don’t know if I could handle everything you have been through. Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
Mel. I cry as I wrote this, because I wish I had the comforting words for you. I couldn’t imagine myself going threw this. Your writing is just beautiful. May god continue to make things easier for you. Your a strong women!!! God bless!
Mel, I think I speak for your readers when I say I wish we could take your pain away. Grief is such a long process and for what you’ve been through (unimaginable) it will likely be a very long path of ups and downs. I can only hope that writing your words and expressing the agony helps relieve the pain in some way. Thank you for sharing and I will hope and pray for you!
I Think it is ok to remember owen when holding logan or westen. It just shows you how much of owen is in his brothers. He is a part of them. When they do things he will be doing them with them. Your not wishing one over the other. Your remembering how you felt at that moment. Logan and westen will know how much you love them. You are a great mom.
Tears…. Your words are so honest and pure. I had a friend that lost a baby also… I sent her to your blog so she could see she wasn’t alone. You are helping so many in spite of your pain. You are amazing!
I was at childrens hospital yesterday, all I could think about was Owen, and of course hoping my baby was ok, he wasn’t feeling to good. Everytime I thought about Owen I held my lil man closer to me. I thought oh my the sadness that was in this very hospital for the bissing family that week in May. He is every little kids Angel at childrens hospital as he was a warrior who fault for 5 days. Always thinking of you all.
Breaks my heart. Love to you all. Every day.