My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m sick. I think jaden shared his strep throat with me. I’m heading to the doctor to get it checked out. I can’t miss the walk tomorrow!
I’d like to take a sick day from my day job please …. kids you are on your own. Mom has checked out. Oh to have a nap, to have a fantasia thing going on where the laundry folds itself and the dishes dance into the dishwasher. And the babies are entertained by a foot stool that turns into a puppy like character.
But the reality is harsh. I don’t have time to myself. I’m running from one meeting to the next. I’m trying to stay awake long enough to see the kids off to bed and sure enough just when I finally have the option to sleep … I’m wide awake. I know that’s what will happen tonight. I’ll be tossing and turning, arguing with myself to just go to sleep. My sinuses hurting, my neck sore with aches and pains … But wide awake.
I have to turn the monitors down just low enough so i can still hear when they cry but not every movement. Every cough, every sound of the covers or moan would make me stir. Making it impossible to fall asleep. The monitor has a sound bar that gets read when there is noise … I watch it sometimes to see if they are stirring a little. I worry when it gets suddenly quiet. The silly worries of a mother. The worries that were proven true three months ago.
Wow three and a half months. Over one hundred days. And I’m still wearing orange.
I got a packet in the mail from the SIDS association today. I don’t read the grief booklets that come in the mail. I don’t have time. Today I did. Just started to skim. A part resonated with me. Grieving parents feel like they shouldn’t let go. Like they should feel sad and heavy the rest of their lives. They want their child’s life to matter to everyone. It’s true. I want everyone to know Owen and sing his story. Live a life of hope and service because they know him. But that’s not realistic. He serves a purpose for some, heck i think I could say many. But not all. How could he?
But I feel guilty for being ok. I feel guilty for being in a stable place. Some moms I have met who have also lost children still have crazy anxiety or are crying all of the time. Yet I don’t. I’ve had a few dark nights or days … But nothing compared to some women. Shouldn’t I be stricken with sadness and unable to function?
Tomorrow will be a big day! We have a few triplet families walking with us along with a sorority sister who is driving all the way down from Wausau (4 hour drive). Wd have over 60 people on our team. When you say 60 in comparison to the 18,000 that are expect to show, we are still small. Yet I feel important. We will be owenge in the sea of white shirts. I will walk hand in hand with family and friends. I’d like to say we are wearing orange so when Owen is watching the race from the clouds he’ll be able to see his mom easily.
This one is for you chunky monkey. I hope I make you proud.
Love, Mel
I live in San Diego, and do not know you or any of your family…but I follow your blog and your story. Owen makes me squeeze the kids I nanny for a little tighter, and makes me remember to be thankful for every day I have, for every moment there is. I’ll be wearing my Owenge shirt tomorrow while you all walk! Feel better!
I ran at Brigg’s and Al’s Run and Walk on Saturday. While I was milling around the registration tent, I saw you and your group, in your beautiful orange. I so wanted to come and speak to you, to tell you that I read your blog and have been profoundly touched by your story…to tell you that Owen’s story and your family’s journey gave me a REAL reason to do this run (other than that it fit in nicely with my half marathon training). I felt inspired when I saw you smiling, with an orange flower in your hair. I wasn’t wearing orange, and I wasn’t part of your team…but I ran for Owen. God bless you and your family.
Wow….I hope you start feeling better soon. Strep throat is NO FUN!
Good luck on your walk tomorrow. For the millionth time since I found your blog I wish I lived closer (or had any money to fly). I would SO be there. For support I will wear my Owenge shirt tomorrow. How about that?
I have been reading your friends blog (the one that lost her baby too). You women amaze me. AMAZE ME! You are so strong and dealing with your grief head on. It’s inspiring.
Again, have a good time on the walk. My thoughts will be with you guys.
Owen IS proud of you Melissa!! I will also be wearing my Owenge t-shirt for you tomorrow!! I wish we lived closer so that we could meet! I am sure we’d be great friends!! I am representing OWENGE here in Petaluma, CA (near wine country)! I also squeeze my 2 little girls tighter since reading your blog. I have been following you since the beginning of your story of Owen!! Sweet dreams, feel better & have a great walk tomorrow!
Love Natalie Capizano & the Capizano family!
xoxox
I am constantly amazed by you Mel. I hope all goes well today and I am sorry we can’t make it. As for the guilt, you are putting the purpose of Owen’s life over the pain of his death. There is no guilt in that. That is how he should be remembered. Love you. Please take care of yourself and call me if you need help getting something done. I don’t mind bringing Adam over. It is good for him to be around your chill boys.
Hi Mel, I’m from Arizona. I’ve been following your blog for four months after a friend of mine sent it to me. Every single time I see an owl or something bright orange, I think of your Owen. He serves a purpose to people who never even got to meet him, a reminder of the strength of not only a small child, but the amazing strength of his family and especially his mother.
Tina
You guys looked gooooood today!!! What a great group. I walk for my nephew every year (heart transplant patient) and I was looking for your group, you painted Milwaukee Owenge today.You should be proud!! I put an orange ribbon in my daughters hair for Owen today!! We felt honored to walk for two special boys today even though you didn’t know it we were there for your family and that made me smile and tear up all at the same time!!
I walked with you today!!! 🙂 we walked for a friend of mines daughter, but I was thinking about u guys too! I was so happy when I saw all the orange pass me by! I wanted to say ” hi I read ur blog everyday” lol maybe next time!
I didn’t walk on the Owenge team today because I didn’t register in time. But, I did walk. I saw your group as well. Although I don’t know you – I follow your blog and think you are an incredible mother. 🙂 I hope I am as good of a mother to my 4 month old little girl as you are to all 4 of your boys! 🙂 Hopefully next year I will register in time to be on the team for little Owen!
Oh Mel, I couldn;t walk with you all sautirday, as much as I wanted to. I was acutally in the ER with my hubby. We thought here might had been something seriously wrong, don;t really want to go into detail, but thank god everything seems to be fine. I wish we could have made it to the run. we drove past there on our way down to the ER, I saw the group of Owenge.OMG did my I just smile with such happiness. I thought of Owen, and wow must he be proud to be looking down on the streets of Milwaukee and seeing all his mommy’s supporters walking with her for him. God bless all that participated and I was suppose to be there to give the support but just couldn’t make it lasy minute and something that i had no control over. God bless and hopefully we can meet at a next walk/run whatever it may be.
You make him proud every day!
Nicolele? just Nicole