Have you ever felt like a song was speaking directly to you? On Sunday morning it felt like a song I had heard a hundreds times before had a totally different meaning. As I sang “all things are possible” I finished with “even having a birthday party for my boys that celebrates Logan and Weston while remembering Owen.” It is possible to have the perfect balance. But I can’t do it on my own … my faith will help me, my family and friends will help me. I need to stop trying to plan and just let it happen. It’s those spontaneous moments that are the most beautiful anyway.
My favorite picture of Doug and I on our wedding day is a candid snap shot of Doug and I goofing off. Couldnt’ have planned it … it just happened.
All the ‘stuff’ that needs to get done will find a way of being completed. I’m not going to worry about it. I’ll be exhausted by the party if I do. A pastor from New Orleans was preaching on Sunday … he said two things that have rang clear to me. The first was “Let go and let God.” I’ve just got to roll with the punches. He’ll take care of the rest. Stop trying to control the situation. I think my sister called me out on the honest truth – I’m trying to fix this pain I feel by doing “stuff” like sew owls, knitting the triplets hats and staying busy. It’s too painful to sit still and feel the stabbing in my heart. To allow the hole in my heart from Owen’s death eat me alive. I’m running from the pain and anger I should be feeling. It’s easier to busy myself with the things of this world until the pain passes. It never goes away for good though … it always comes back. Damn grief. Let go and let God heal – comfort – carry the pain for me …
The second thing that the southern pastor said was “I don’t know what my God has planned for me, but I do know what He is capable of.” Wow. Melissa stop trying to figure everything out. Stop trying to make sense of my purpose. When Owen was in the hospital and right after the funeral, everyone kept saying I was handling everything with such grace. Graceful has never been a word used to describe me. I say the wrong things at the wrong times. I trip over my own two feet, forget my purse in shopping carts, lose my keys in the grocery store (I hate to admit on several occasions). I swear at the worst times. I even said “shut the front door” when I met the WI state governor. Graceful is not really in my genes. Yet, I heard it a thousand times. I feel clumsy and lost these days. I am panicked. Lost. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to write about. I’ve lost sight of what is really important again. What the hell am I doing?
I just need to start with my heart. I don’t need a clear and sure idea of what my purpose is. I just need to believe in what He is capable of. I have always loved surprises. My room mates surprised me with a party for my 21st birthday … amazing! Yet, I have such a hard time being patient. I want to plan everything out. I heart lists and calendars. I think the reason why I haven’t had more surprises in my life is because I lose faith that someone else will take care of it for me. So I end up planning my own birthday parties. The same with my life. I need to take a freaking chill pill. Lay back, relax. I don’t have to figure it all out. I just have to have faith that it will all work itself out. Let go and let God. He’ll take care of everything, if I only let him.
I didn’t try to plan anything when Owen was in the hospital. I let my heart lead the way. In fact I tried my hardest not to think about things like planning a funeral. I found it foolish to plan what kind of shoes I was going to wear. In stead, I allowed myself to be totally present in what was going on. I allowed myself to be surprised and I gave the Holy Spirit an empty canvas to paint. That’s where grace came from. Letting go. Prayer. Love. Heart. Soul.
Let go. Let it all go … it will be ok. Never perfect, but ok. I can love Owen and still celebrate Logan and Weston. It’s ok to still love and celebrate. It will be ok. Those moments of remembering Owen will come on their own. It will be beautiful because it will be spontaneous. A true masterpiece. Grace.
You found a way to photograph all three of the triplets a few blogs back – and they were some of the most AWESOME photos (you know, the ones of the two with Owen’s picture in the background!)
It’s OK for this birthday to be a complete celebration. There does not have to be a sad or “quiet” or awkward moment in order for it to feel like Owen is being remembered. Birthdays are a celebration of LIFE and Owen did live! Celebrate that! 😀
I love your grace. Your faith. Your strength. And while our stories are nothing alike, I look forward to every update because your faith restores mine and helps me continue on.
Sending love from across the miles….
Mel, you are a Very strong woman and will find your way no matter how long it takes. Losing a loved one, yet alone a child is harder than anyone but the one that losses them knows. From reading your blog you have dealt with it with grace, love and faith. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. I only know you through your writing and consider you a friend, just wish I was closer to you in your time of need but I’m only an email away. Happy belated birthday to the triplets! My youngest still talks about Owen and thanks for the book. I have the card to send you just haven’t finished it.I’m such a procrastinator! Love you and yours with all my heart.
Mel. I’m glad u feel this way now. I’m so happy that you ar ejust going to let things be, let things fall into place. The triplets b-day will be time for celebration and remembering the beautiful life of lil Owen Bissing. He will be proud that day thats for sure. You are a great mother. I also look forward to every blog. I check everyday for any photos or just to see how u are doing. When I saw that u hadn’t wrote since the 25th. I sad god please be with her, let everything be ok. So happy to read this post here this morning. U defenitely have the strength, the grace, everything to make this party the biggest celebration of both Logan And weston that are still here on this earth as well As Owen as he will be there in spirit. Mel, even though we don’t know eachtoher, from one friend to another u inspire me. God bless and sending lots of hugs your way.
Smart sister. 🙂
I was watching one of Oprah’s Lifeclass episodes and it was about this couple who had twins and lost one a couple days after the birth. Made me think of you, just in losing a child. I think you have handled things well in your blogs, which are here to speak your mind, and I am sure you have your slip up in whatever you do. The guy, I believe he was a spiritual advisor, was telling the couple that holding on to the personality will stop you from moving on with the twin that survived. The twin brother didn’t know whether to be happy that he is alive, or sad because he survived and his brother didn’t. Everyone is differnt and handles things differently. I think you are strong for still being there for your other boys, that is a blessing to them. I think that is is good you are taking a step and leaving it on God’s hands. You have to do this when you are ready, and if this is the time, then I know you can do it.
Here is a quote from that episode mentioned above:
Life is much bigger than just a body. When you are grieving over the loss of a loved one, sense the presence of their soul, which is always with you, instead of the personality that is gone.
I just wanted to know I was thinking of you, always am, and I like seeing that you have posted something.
May you find the peace that you need whenever that may be, there is nothing wrong with grieving and everyone grieves differently.
Our pastor said something similiar this week. I believe it was something like “He doesn’t want you to understand, he just wants you to love Him”. He noted that not much impresses our creator, but our faith and love in him can cause him to be amazed! (Luke 7:1-10)
Andrew Peterson sings an amazing, heartbreakingly haunting song called Holy is the Lord… here are some lyrics:
Here I am, I whispered
And I waited in the dark
The answer was a sword
That came down hard upon my heart
Holy is the Lord
Holy is the Lord
And the Lord I will obey
Lord, help me I don’t know the way
So take me to the mountain
I will follow where You lead
There I’ll lay the body
Of the boy You gave to me
And even though You take him
Still I ever will obey
But Maker of this mountain, please
Make another way
I cannot imagine the depths of your hurt… the crippling aches that stab at you without warning… I think ‘grace filled’ and ‘loving servant’ and ‘courageous’ and ‘awesome’ are all excellent terms to describe you.
Beautiful words from a beautiful lady. You are totally right. Going with the flow….trying to follow God’s will and letting the rest go is best.
The party will be awesome…I am sure!