There you are!

The night before the birthday party I had these interrupting thoughts and hopes on how I would Owen would show his presence to me.  I imagined a monarch butterfly in the freezing cold night.  I think I would have honestly pooped my pants if I saw a monarch butterfly on a cold November night.  As soon as I thought it I knew it wouldn’t happen.  I tried to clear my head of any other thoughts … trying not to ruin the surprise I was sure God had in hand for me for Saturday night.

When in the field, I felt empty.  I couldn’t find Owen.  Where the hell are you kid?  I “think” to you all that time …. not actually saying all the words out loud but telling you how much I love you in my silence.  I was disappointed.  I had hoped and almost expected a great spiritual experience.  I fully expected to feel Owen in the field more than any other time.  Yet, there was emptiness.  Have you lost me child?  Worse yet, have you left me Owen?  I’m not ready … I still need you on my shoulder, with me.

I was driving to church on Sunday morning.  The trees were orange in color and arching over both sides of the road.

There you are Owen.  Where have you been?  

“Mom, I’m doing what you taught me.  I’m loving others.”  

I thought I had lost you …. I couldn’t find you.  

You taught me it’s important to love everyone.  Sometimes they need me more.  I go and be with them … let them feel my spirit.  But I always come back to you.”  

I’m proud of you … I’m proud that you seek others out to love them.  

“Do you want me to stop?  Do you want me to stay with you from now on?”  

No Owen, go and love others.  I won’t panic next time.  I’ll wait for you to come back to me.  I want everyone to know what it feels like to have you near.

If you feel Owen near you … tell him that I’m proud of him.  Tell him I love him and I’ll leave a light on for him.

Love, Mel


  1. That picture is incredibly beautiful!! Tonight I had to put my baby’s ‘owenage’onesie in a bin because its too small and it saddened me, she is only a month behind your triplets.. We think of Owen and his brothers often and tonight we thanked him for what he has taught us. he knows youre proud, but I’m convinced he’s proud of you, too!

  2. Melissa,
    Owen is and has been with SO many people. He was there and will continue to be there for those that need his strength. Whether it be a monarch, an orange leave, an owl or an orange t-shirt, Owen sends us all reminders daily that his spirit is here with us! Thank you for sharing him with all of us and teaching him and allowing him to be a part of all of our lives. You and him have taught us all something! I know he is SO proud of you as you are of him! Words can’t thank you and him enough for being a part of our lives.

  3. You’re such a wonderful mother. There’s nothing like the love we have for our childen. Always worrying about them. Your boys will grow into such caring men. Owen has helped many people, his spirit reassuring them. He’s always going to come home. He loves his mommy.

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