A good birthday, indeed.

We woke up to snow this morning … yep, the white nasty stuff.  We sang happy birthday to all three of the boys this morning before Doug headed off to work.  I was picking out clothes for Jaden and suggested he wear green and blue for the birthday boys.  He reminded me that he needed orange too.  I found some orange Halloween pumpkin socks.  He suggested orange pants.  Then I remembered we had a pair of orange sweatpants from a pumpkin costume.  So here is what Jaden picked out to wear today in honor of his brother’s birthday:

Dear heavens I hope his teachers get the drift that he dressed himself today 🙂

After I walked Jaden to the bus stop, the triplets and I had a laid back morning.  We played with the new musical instruments the boys got a their party.  I drank a pot of coffee.  By myself.  Didn’t get to shower though …  That’s ok, playing is more fun anyways.  I got the boys dressed in some new shirts … blue and green of course and snapped their 12 month photos.

We even snuck a play date in with Layla …  The three babies had a ton of fun stealing each other’s sippy cups at lunch and popping all the balloon I blew up for a mock party.

Doug has been saying since the triplets were born that he wants them to be walking before their first birthday.  I’ve said he’s freaking nuts!!!  Walking babies are much harder than crawling babies.  In just the past few days, the triplets started to stand on their own, without holding onto something.  Wouldn’t you know … Weston took a step today!  That little booger.  He got so excited with me hooting and hollering that he couldn’t stand up on his own …. he just kept bouncing.  So Doug didn’t get his whole wish … but a little bit 🙂

As I’m watching the boys play, I started watching the snow falling.  They were those huge fat flakes … the kind that make you want to dance in the snow.  I started thinking about Owen and angels … and heaven.   An image of an angel baby with big fluffy white feathered wings … what if, just what if, the angel babies were celebrating Owen’s first birthday so hard, their feathers were falling from heaven.  The snow.  You know like one of those pillow fights from the movies with the girls jumping on beds in their underwear, hitting each other with pillows and feathers exploding all over the place.

The orange marigolds I planted in memory of Owen are still in bloom.  The bright orange color showing through the falling snow was a reminder that he is here.  (these are actual photos of the plant outside our front door)

We enjoyed some more cake tonight too … Owen’s smash cake.  Along with the lit orange candle on the dinner table, it was our way of including him in our family dinner.  The boys were much more ‘dainty’ with it this time around.  They still needed baths though 🙂

Lately I’ve been having these very real experiences of feeling Owen.  I feel like a flake for admitting this.  I swear I’m not trying to go all Jerry Springer physic on you.  But I just have these feelings like he is really here.  Sometimes I want to reach out and rub my hand across the top of his head like I used to.  I can still feel it.  His hair was the smoothest of them all and his head was the roundest.  I want to kiss the top of his head like I do with Logan and Weston.  Instinct.  I do it so often, most times I don’t know I’m doing it.  Instinct.

When we were in the hospital I was in tune to these feelings.  I had time to sit and absorb.  To feel.  To think.  The rest of the world seemed to stand still while we were in this small room.  I was able to think.  Real life is nothing like the protected little hospital room.  It’s fast paced, racing time, chaos.  Time is limited and there is not silence for me to think in.  I remember searching for him … praying that Owen would come back.  Certain he was not in the child’s body that lay in my son’s hospital bed.  Leaving a light on for him, just hoping he’d find his way back to me.  I didn’t know if he would stay, but I didn’t want his spirit to leave me.  It’s been nearly 6 months before I’ve been in tune with this feeling again.  He’s just been right here … you know when something works for so long on its own, you forget what it’s like to not have it.  I haven’t felt a need to search for him.  I haven’t felt him leave me.

Until that night with the lanterns.  He left me and now he’s back.  He’s back so real I want to reach out and touch him sometimes.  Please don’t mistake this for some Hollywood type movie where the guy is talking to his dead wife and people on the street look at him like he’s nuts – talking to himself.  I have complete awareness of reality … I’m not seeing dead people.  The feeling is just strong.

As I sit on the couch with my glass of wine, typing my little heart out, I hear the triplet’s cooing and talking in bed.  What the heck is going on?  If the babies wake up in the middle of the night, they cry, yell and scream.  They don’t play.  Has Owen made a birthday visit to them?  Are Logan and Weston talking to Owen?  Am I sitting on my couch listening to my angel baby talk with my earthly babies?  Or is it just a coincidence?  Am I trying to convince myself of the things I want to believe in?

I suppose this is what faith is about.  Not always having the proof you want in order to believe what you should.  I try to listen to my heart.  If I want to believe these magical and spiritual happenings are true …. what is the harm?  If this is God’s gift to me on my boy’s birthday then who I am I to turn it away?  Thank you for these blessings.  Thank you for allowing my heart to be open and to feel the holy spirit.

It’s been a good birthday … a good birthday indeed.

Love, Mel


  1. Happy birthday to your three!! I believe Owen is there with them celebrating their birthday’s all together.
    Love the photos by the window – Logan and Weston are really starting to look like little boys,not babies.
    Beautiful photo of the marigolds – brought a tear to my eye – just beautiful!

  2. So comforting to know that you find peace and PRESENCE, even in absence. I read EVERY update, Mel…. and your faith reinforces my own… in times when our human forms would feel better being angry with God for causing such pain and sadness – we instead thank Him for allowing us the small gifts of comfort that He bestows upon us.

    You, my friend, are blessed 😀

  3. Girl you are not crazy at all! Owen is definitely with you, and he will not leave you. I believe in angels, I KNOW they exist. And if anyone tells you otherwise, THEIR LOSS! The Lord said “Let the CHILDREN come to me. Unless you become like children, you cannot know the way.” So one must have the pure untainted faith of a child, and then they shall be seen! Keep us updated! Has Owen aged? Or is he still a 6 month old?

  4. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Owen is there with you ALWAYS. I truly believe that with all of my heart. I’ve been reading your blog since May when I received a prayer requests from a mom from my mother of multiples group. I have been reading every update since. I want to thank you for continuing to allow all of us to read your story and know Owen (and your other boys too of course!). Owen is changing peoples lives every day. Each time I read a knew update, the take away I get from it is not to let the rush of everyday life get in my way. Laundry & dishes can wait…..because of Owen, I hug my kids a little tighter & kiss them more than the million times a day I already kiss their little heads. Being a mother of seven can some days be very hectic and at times overwhelming. Owen gives me that extra bit of patience when I need it. That feeling that you have, that instinct you feel…….it’s Owen right beside you.

  5. Just glad to hear you found some peace today. Thank God for that. I think of Owen for you often and pray for your peace always.

  6. Mel. I love to read your posts. I to belive that Owen is there with you all always and has not left you. Thats just to adroable how they were both cooing when they were supoose to be sleeping, I’m sure Is Owen wishing them a happy birthday as they were to him. Thinking of you all always. God Bless!!! I’m happy it was such a great b-day for the triplets, and Jaden is soooo adroable for wanting to dress in his babies colors. What a great big brother!!!

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