We finished decorating the Christmas tree today after church. I’m thinking this is going to be a great way to end a great weekend … Doug and I cleaned the house, went through all of our summer shoes and got out our winter shoes. The boys took an afternoon nap today. We cleaned the house. Then at 3 we turned on the Packer game and got out the ornaments to hang on the tree.
It was one blow after another. A heavy rock in my chest. Triplet christmas ornaments – one right after another. Baby’s First Christmas. Three owl ornaments … two sets. Owen’s name written on the back of an ornament. Yet again, a happy moment where the wind is knocked right out of me. I get frustrated when another pure moment is tainted. Yet I cling to the pain, almost relieved to feel something.
Today at church I wrote down a quote from Pastor Chris that I love so much …. let your actions speak your prayers. Whoa. Let your actions speak your prayers. If you pray that the hungry are given food … feed the hungry. If you pray that your children grow up to know God – make the introduction yourself. Let your actions speak your hearts desires.
I pray on a daily basis that my words and actions are worthy of Owen and the “big guy” I pray that I am fulfilling God’s vision for me. How do I act out that prayer? I speak freely of my faith. I journal. I, not only enjoy, but seek out “intellectual” conversations with my friends and family where we talk about life and relationships. I learn so much by listening to other’s stories.
Growing up I decided that life was too short to make all the mistakes I needed to learn the “right” way of doing things … I found a short cut. Lean from other’s mistakes. So when my parents said don’t smoke pot. I listened. I didn’t have time to make mistakes. HA! If you only knew me in college. It appears to me that I threw out that rule right around my junior year. That’s for a whole other blog! 🙂
I have also learned to embrace my mistakes. I absorb them, learn from them, teach others about them. If I don’t …. someone else could end up wasting a part of their life going down that same path. Now that’s ironic because I also don’t regret my mistakes. I would not be who I am today had I not made those choices … no matter how dumb they look me to now! But I wouldn’t have the scars, the bandaides, the learnings from those life experiences if I had always taken the “good girl” road.
Same with this grief I suppose. I wouldn’t have the depth to my soul and self if I didn’t have to go through such pain. In the end, I hope to have wisdom that at least one other person will be able to learn from. Save them a little bit of life’s pain.
I’m going to challenge myself something this week. Maybe you’ll want to do the same thing. Slow down. Breath in-between chores, meetings or even sentences. Take a moment to pause and find peace before moving on to the next thing. Christmas is a time where everyone is on the go go go. Don’t let yourself get so booked up that you don’t have time for your pjs, kids/family and hot cocoa. When you say your nighttime prayers try this: Dear Lord [pause] thank you for this day [pause]. Bless [pause] my family [pause], my friends pause] ….
How will we ever find peace if we are always running? Always doing something. Peace comes in the silence. In the thoughts and in prayer. So pause to give peace a chance this Christmas.
I am going to try to find at least 5 minutes a day when all of my boys are “busy”. Jaden at school, Doug at work and the triplets are napping. Or maybe when they are all asleep at night. But I am going to find 5 minutes where I can just get lost in my thoughts. Maybe I stare into the Christmas tree and zone out. Or I let myself think about Owen and my pain. Or I think about all the wonderful blessings I have in life. But I’m going to give that to myself.
The bigger plan is that when I want to flashback … when I want the world to stop spinning just for a few minutes so I can get my feet on the ground again – I know that if I just keep going for a little while longer, I will have my 5 minutes to let everything go. The world can keep spinning, but I don’t have to know about it for 5 minutes out of my day.
I so badly want to feel at peace. To feel that calmness again. Instead of sitting here thinking, “Ok I had a good day today. I know it’s not going to last forever. Another bad grief day WILL eventually come … but when?” So maybe, if I enforce my prayer for peace with my actions … maybe God will hear my prayer more clearly 🙂
Mel. your so awesome. I to will start to give myself just those 5minutes a day to get lost in my thoughts. .God bless you mel. You are helping so many others with the writing you give to us. I’m glad u had a chance to get things done this weekend. I bet the tree looks great, can’t wait to see photos with hopefully the boys around the tree. Always thinking of you all!!!!!!
Peace is in the silence. Love it! Peace, Mel!
Listening to this song makes methink of you and Owen – Home on Christmas Day by Kristin Chenowith
Lighting a candle for Owen this Christmas 🙂
Rachel in Sun Prairie WI
Such words of wisdom you gleaned from your pastor. “Let your actions speak your prayers.” AWESOME! I love it.
And…your 5 minute idea. That’s a goodie too.
Wise words…from a wise woman. Thank you.