It’s been a while since I last posted.  I started to ask myself … why haven’t you made more time to write lately?  What are you doing with your time once spent pouring your heart into a post?  The answer is living.  Just that … living.

I spend more time with Doug – we’ve been hooked on watching Supernatural from the beginning.  We are through season one and half way through season two.  He got all six seasons for Christmas.  I humored him by watching a few episodes and now … I am embarrassed to admit … I’m hooked 🙂

I’ve been crocheting like a crazy woman.  I’m really enjoying learning new stitches and patterns.  I’m proud to say that I figured out the star stitch before my crochet and crafting queen friend Abby.  I need to brag about it now before she passes me up again.  It’s only a matter of time … she’s wicked with a crochet hook.  I’ve made many cowls and infinity scarves.  I’ve also made two hats … loving the brims!  It keeps my hands busy while trying to stay up longer watching Supernatural. It’s also something I enjoy doing while watching the babies play in the living room.

My Supermom’s group is starting up again … we’ve got a few meetings this month and I’m really looking forward to our Love and Logic parenting class coming up at the end of the month.  I read a Love and Logic book when I first stayed at home.  Jaden only went to school in the morning and we were just about killing each other by the time Doug got home from work.  The book saved the both of us.  Like any parenting philosophy some if it doesn’t really work for us … I pick and choose what works for our family.

I feel almost back to myself.  I feel like Mel again … less like a grieving – world has turned upside down – not sure what I’m supposed to do with my life sort of mom.  When I think about this I sometimes feel guilty.  Like I shouldn’t be feeling like “me.”  One fourth of “me” died only 7 1/2 months ago.  I suppose it’s healthy to heal … it’s normal to feel ok.  I do think about the time when it’s not going to be ok again.  It’s only a matter of time before something hits me and I feel the weight of grief again.

I keep singing the song “I am free” in my head.  Helps me to remember that it’s ok to accept God’s grace.  To allow him to work in my life and to feel happiness again.  I’ve said this before … but I still have a long life to live in this world.  It totally blows that Owen left.  I’m not sure how else to say it.  It blows.  I would do anything to have him back.  But I do acknowledge the impossibility of that wish.  So I must live.  Live for my other three children still in this world with me.  Live for my marriage and my husband. Focus on nurturing that relationship.  I must allow myself to heal.  It’s ok to heal.  God wants to heal me.  So if I allow him … happiness will again fill my life and it’s something to be thankful for, not ashamed of.  (easier to type than to believe at times)

Here is to more crocheting … more geeky bonding with Doug … more Supermom madness … more being Mel.

Love, Mel