Upside down and inside out. Josie is her name. The little girl who is carrying around Owen’s heart as her own. Her mom emailed me last night. I wrote her a letter months ago, but finally mailed it just before Christmas. Someone passed along a link to the blog and she knew it was us.
There is so much to feel, yet I have no clue what to think. A face. A name for the little girl I have been praying for for so long. It’s real. This is happening.
A Dec 19th journal entry on her CaringBridge site says she’ll need another transplant at some point. Owen’s heart isn’t going to last much longer. Anger. Pissed off. I want to feel his heart beat again. To feel the warmth of his muscle giving blood to a little girl’s body. Now I might not ever get to see the face of someone carrying Owen’s gift. His liver failed. And now his heart might too.
Time. I know. I get it. Owen still gave time. He still played a special role in saving these girl’s lives. But my miracle was supposed to be seeing his life in someone else. I was patient. Understanding. Giving. Still praised His name through this. And I STILL don’t get what I most hope for?
Miracles happen every day. Maybe if I pray hard enough his heart will still work. God is still working in this world, in my life, in Josie. I can’t control this world. I have to give up my own hopes and wishes and put them in God. It’s not my will to be done, it’s His.
I know this. The more I try to plan something out, the more disappointed I am. When I just let things happen and accept it’s greatness, I am filled with joy and strength.
I remember my prayer over Owen’s bed. I prayed for God to do what was best. He could see the entire world. I would be ok if this didn’t work out in our favor. It was for the greater good. I need to go back to that prayer. Let His will be done. Protect those that I love. Watch over Josie and her family. Give them strength and power to fight the days that are still to come. It’s still along road to recovery for her.
Just take it all in … let the feelings flow. Allow myself to feel what I need to feel. Accept my feelings even if I’m not proud of them. I can’t stop saying her name in my head … Josie, Josie, Josie … over and over. Just like I couldn’t get the name Owen out of my head for months. I’m still in shock. This is really happening …