Lately I’ve been feeling “done.” Like I don’t want to do this anymore. Please Lord pick someone else … I think it’s someone else’s turn. I’m tired, sick and just done. I feel empty inside.
Up until this morning I was thinking it was just exhaustion that was stealing my motivation. I just need a Mommy-cation and I’d be better. But maybe, just maybe it’s been grief building up. Maybe grief is the silent hole that has been sucking out my positive outlook and my “I can accomplish and do anything” thoughts. I’ve totally lost my motivation. Empty.
I found myself overwhelmed in church this morning with the pain that some of my family never met Owen. They aren’t in my life to enjoy my three children on earth. Hell, they have never even met Logan and Weston and some of them have never met Jaden. They’ve missed it. They missed Owen, they are missing my other three kids. Why do I can so much? Shouldn’t I be saying “it’s your loss?” Why am I letting this get to me?
It’s not that I don’t know what I need to do … it’s that I just don’t want to. I know that I need to put my “big girl pants” on and take care of the sick boys in my house (regardless of whether or not I”ve caught the cold myself). They need me. I know I need to find some sort of energy to keep up with the dishes. I just don’t want to. I want to lay on the couch. I want to get lost in being Mel. Whoever she is. It feels like it’s been so long since I was allowed to just be Mel. Get lost in my own thoughts and feelings. But isn’t being Mel also being Mom? Are they one in the same? They don’t feel the same these days … mom sounds like something I just don’t wanna do. Mel sounds like a long-lost memory.
Funny thing? All I want to do is knit some hats. That’s all. Life just isn’t letting me do that. The naps are too short. When I put the kids down for bed at night I only seem to have enough time to do the dinner dishes before one of them is up. When Doug volunteers to take a turn and rock Logan, and I have just sat down to pick up where I left off two days ago … Weston wakes up.
I just want some relief, a break from everything. It just seems like there is a stronger power taking all those breaks from me. Why is it so hard to just find time for myself?
I love my kids. I really do … I feel guilty saying this but I just want to run from them. They take up so much of my energy. Is this a normal mom feeling? Is this a normal grieving mom feeling? Or is this some power I’m supposed to be changing and fighting off? Do I give in and find time away … feeling guilty for running from my family. Do I stick it out and hope it soon passes?
Wow. Now that was a depressing post. But it’s the way I’m feeling. Life isn’t all roses and butterflies. Even for those with faith. We all lose our way. It’s the giving it up that heals us. I pray for the humbleness to hand it all over to God … to allow Him into my heart so He can start to heal me. I pray for His wisdom and strength in my hour of darkness and feeling of loss.
It will get better. I know it’s just a phase. But the day is dark and the road is long …