I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m afraid of. What is holding me back from accomplishing the life I desire to live? The life God wants me to live? I keep coming back to fear. Then the question that stuns me.
Why is it that faith in something that you cannot see or touch can be terrifying in itself, yet it is the only thing that will make the rest of the world seem conquerable. The rest of the “stuff” isn’t scary when you believe in something so huge. With God all things are possible.
Giving your life over to your faith can be terrifying. Submitting your life to someone else – something else. Putting someone else in charge of everything can seem like you are giving up control. It’s scary to not be in control. The unknowns can keep you up at night. But when you truly believe that someone, who is more powerful than anything else, is in charge your fear suddenly turns to comfort and courage.
How is it that in the midst of my child dying was I able to sleep at night? How did I find the strength and focus to write? I found myself comforting others in the midst of my tragedy. I was offering others hugs at the funeral. Friends collapsed in my arms during the receiving line. How does this happen? How did I find the strength?
My belief makes everything else in this world seem conquerable. Nothing is too scary – too hard – too sad for me to get through. I will be ok. I’ll always be ok. I might have more pages in my life story than others. I might have more scars and tears shed in this world. But I don’t have the most. I’m never, ever the worst off in this world. My son was taken from me, yet there is another mother who has had all of her children taken from her. I might have been thrown out of a car and learned how to walk again, but there is something else who was thrown from a car and never able to walk again. I’ve been blessed with the opportunities time and time again to pick myself up.
There are huge holes in my life. Undecided questions. Unknowns. But nothing seems too much to accomplish. I might not know how I’m going to get through these upcoming trials. I might not know how long I must endure this kind of pain, but the faith I have tells me that one day it will end and if I just hang on long enough … I too will be at peace. I too will know what it feels like to look at God in the face.
So I keep fighting. I keep believing in the most frightening power. Because it gives me strength. It helps me put one foot in front of the other. It’s the only way I know how to live … how to endure such pain.