So many things are the same as last year and so much is different. I’m still blogging on an iPad. My family it’s all together. We are all wearing our orange. There is tons of good food everywhere.
But no one wants to speak his name. “I don’t want to cry yet.”. “can’t we do that part later?”. “i just want to enjoy myself” I want to cry. I want to work out this lump in my chest. I want the mood to feel somber because that’s how I feel.
Everyone is playing yard games … It’s exactly what I asked for. We are laughing and poking fun at one another. The kids are being loved up. I don’t even know what I would say.
We are going to play the video we played at Owen’s funeral. I hope that will break the Owen silence. I know I could just say something, but I don’t know what I would say. I don’t really know what I want to talk about to bring it up myself. I guess I wish he was still in the middle of the room. We can’t recreate that week. It’s just impossible. But it’s all I really want. I guess grief is the feeling when you realize you will never have your wish come true.
Thinking of Owen today. A beautiful baby whom I never met, but who will remain in my heart forever.