As I travel this road named grief, I find myself struggling more and more with “regular” day things. I find that it’s harder to forgive my husband for hurting my feelings than it is to deal with the pain of having only two cribs. I find Jaden’s temper tantrums more stressful to deal with than fighting back the flashbacks. How is it that I survived Owen’s death but can struggle getting through a regular day?
While cutting the lawn today (an amazing hour of peace and quiet to just think) it hit me. I didn’t get through Owen’s death alone. I called for prayer. I called on my God to support me. I surrendered what little control I had left and I lifted it all up in prayer. I gave up control. So why is it so hard to do that today?
Is it because I knew that Owen’s life was much too large to take on, but making pb&j sandwiches seem like something I should be able to handle? The fear of the monitors and tubes knocked me to my knees. Yet the stress of keeping a house clean sounds like something any “good” mom should be able to do. Doug and I clung to each other for strength while sleeping on a pull out couch surrounded by the sounds of a heart monitor. Yet during our daily tasks we forget that we still need each other and have rather made each other out to be the enemy.
I started to think that if I just tried harder I could fix all this. If I read the right scripture something would come alive in me – giving me the hope that life would one day feel like it makes sense again. And it’s not the fact that Owen died that doesn’t make sense. I’ve never needed the death certificate to explain to me that Owen died because God loves him. But what I struggle with is the “now what…”
What is God’s plan for me now? How do I mend the tares in my marriage? How do I continue to nurture the new friendships that have been gifted to me through this blog and my church? The truth that I have forgotten is that I can’t do it alone. Marriage and grief counseling isn’t going to mend my marriage. Weekly phone calls and reminding myself to listen more than talk isn’t going to make my friendships last a life time. The only way to nurture my relationships is by the help of God and God alone. I’m not whole unless I have Him. Just as in the hospital, I surrendered everything. The only control I took was that I chose to hit the ground on my knees. I put my hope into prayer. I chose to fight off the anger and the fear. Instead I prayed. I called out to those who I loved to pray for me too. I acknowledged within my soul that I couldn’t get through it without His help. So why on earth am I trying to fix what is broken today on my own? I should know better.
I’m choosing to get on my knees again. I turn over my life again. I ask for prayer again.
How many times in my life will I hit rock bottom? How many times is it going to take before I fight off doubt always? Is this just apart of being human? One of the reasons I was put on earth? To learn about God’s love for me over and over again.
Dear Lord, please mend me and make me whole again. When I cannot love those in my life, love them for me. When sharp words are on my tongue, remind me to speak out of love. When forgiveness seems impossible, remind me how to love others like Christ loved us. I’m on my knees praying for you to give me comfort – once again…