Ever think about the decisions you’ve made and how they got you to where you are?  I’ve been thinking about a lot of things … the boyfriends I broke up with and maybe shouldn’t have.  The nights I went out drinking in college and should have stayed home.  The wrong boys I dated who eventually drove me off a cliff … literally.  Ultimately when I chose to go one way, I chose NOT to go another.  What would my life be like if I had gone the other way?  If I would have gone left instead of right or zigged instead of zagged?

Clearly, there are many parts of my life that I would never change … ever.  If I did I wouldn’t have Jaden.  I wouldn’t have the triplets.  I wouldn’t know certain things about myself.  Maybe I’d be worse off … but I can’t help but wonder if I’d be better off.

If I had studied abroad my Junior year in college as planned, would I have been more traveled?  Yes.  Would I have ended up marrying someone else?  Maybe.  Would I know more about myself?  Probably.  But would I be better off … I just don’t know.  I just can’t help but wonder “what if” some days.

I’ve got to trust that I’ve been led on this path by a greater force.  But what if I was led on this path more so because I have freewill.  Therefore, I am not, in fact, living the lift that was intended for me?  What if I’ve just made a total screw up for what God really had planned for me?

Does He makes stuff up as He goes?  Does His plans for me change when I go right when I should have gone left?  Does He already know the mistakes that I’ll make tomorrow?  Are they too apart of His bigger plan?  It’s just so complex … sort of like which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I just can’t help but wonder how my life would be different had I made different choices along the road.

Love, Mel


  1. I think about this ALL the time! I feel this is why I question my faith so much…I need to find inner peace and realize everything happens for a reason even if we dont understand why. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!

  2. I think God gives us a free will. I think He knows all. He knows before we choose, what path we will take- it may not have been His choice for us- But I do believe if we ask Him to be our Lord and Savior, He will not abandon us. We have all asked those mysterious questions. It has never done me well to focus on the “what ifs” because I can’t go back and then I am also not living in the moment. Pray God will restore your marriage and unite your family in faith.
    I prayed for years that my husband would come to know the Lord and be a Godly man- years. A wise woman once told me “Don’t talk to your husband about God, talk to God about your husband” I was trying to change him and his heart and only God could do that. God did. It was amazing.
    So, lift your family and relationship up to God – ask Him, the healer of all, to restore it to a sweet, loving, caring relationship based on unified faith in God.
    Nancy in MN

  3. Oh Melissa…I have so been in this place with these thoughts! Yes, my circumstances are different but the thoughts are the same. I have had days, or weeks, when I “went” there. And you know what always seems to happen when I let my thoughts go there? I get all off-kilter feeling and fuzzy. I get sassy and grumpy and not fun to be around. And it never, ever has helped my marriage or relationships. I agree with you … every decision I have made has led me to this place in my life. And I believe with all my heart that though perhaps certain decisions I made along the way were not the ones God would have made for me, He does have me right where He wants me in this moments. Because NOTHING happens that hasn’t been sifted through God’s hands. He may not have endorsed it, but He let it happen…so He will use it for HIS GLORY! Just today I was feeling like I was up against the world, and have been for a couple of months now. I know there are people out there who love me, but I feel at odds with even my closest loved ones (and that is exhausting!). But it is because the journey that God has me on is taking me in one direction, a direction that is right, but isn’t popular or understood by some people around me. And then it occured to me…this is just a glimpse of how Jesus felt! He had a message the world didn’t want to hear. He was mocked, ignored, laughed at…even by those who said they loved him. And his message AND his methods were perfect. Yet He lived for an audience of ONE and so He carried on. So I say, no worries about yesterday’s decisions..they are forgiven and paid for (or just in the past!). When nobody else understands (and of course there ARE people who understand), HE does. So settle into His arms and wait it out. If you are in His will then He is pleased and really, nothing else matters. Feel free to adopt my new mantra….Audience of One…audience of ONE!!! Repeating it in tough moments really has helped! Hugs to you…I pray tomorrow you have enough encouragement from God to help you keep keeping on!!

  4. I just found your blog recently and felt a string urge to comment on this post. I think that there is no easy way to make a “total screw up for what God really had planned for me.” I think that all choices that are offered to you are ones that will lead down the path that you should go. I think in this respect God is much like a parent. You give your children acceptable choices, and God gives us acceptable choices. You can give your children things to play with that you know will not harm them. They may find other things you had not chosen to play with, but these choices are okay too (even if the carpet ends up a mess). You make it very hard for them to do things like play with sharp knives. God makes it very hard for you to do things that would lead you to walk away from your path (murder, abuse, etc.). You can do these things, but if you believe in God you will know that they are not right choices. Everything else you choose will eventually lead you to where God wants you to be. You would end up with some of the same challenges no matter what path you take, because I believe those are the challenges we are meant to deal with.
    I have seen through your writings that you have strong faith. I believe that this faith will help you through when you need it to. I also believe that questioning that faith or questioning your path is a natural part of this human experience. People who believe blindly without question are ones who can be led down a bad path. I think God loves people who question. I personally believe that if I am headed for the wrong path, God will put many obstacles in my way to move me back to the right path. Otherwise I believe that our path is wider than a simple footpath and allows for the choices that we make.
    I also wanted to let you know that I am sending warm, bright thoughts from sunny Florida to you, and all of your boys.

  5. Just had to say if you are living the life you re because you had freewill then you are in fact living the life God intended for if he didn’t intend that kind of life for you he never would have given us free will. I am not overly religious, I do have beliefs I pray in my own way and believe there is a higher power but I don’t think he has a set plan for us and expects us to know what that is and do what he wants hence why he gave us freewill I also believe he accepts us for who we are and where we are in the moment. We are inferior creatures and he put us here to learn and grow and I believe that is all he expects of us. He does not expect perfection so don’t get down on yourself when you make a mistake or falter, pick yourself up brush yourself off smile and learn from it.

  6. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that thinks about this all the time 🙂 You are very strong in your faith; I’m sure it will take you exactly where you need to go!

  7. […] I can’t exactly remember how it came up but I started to express my questions of how it all worked.  Does God lead us where he ultimately wants us or do we really choose our own path and he comes after us making beautiful things out of our messes.  I got pretty much the same response as I did when I posted Crossroads. […]

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