We started a book/bible study with my Supermoms group this past Sunday night.  We’re reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  While I’ve only read the first two chapters, this book invokes all kinds of questions and emotion.  It’s getting to the root of why we are Christians and how God wants us to view him.  What the bible tells us he looks like.

I can’t exactly remember how it came up but I started to express my questions of how it all worked.  Does God lead us where he ultimately wants us or do we really choose our own path and he comes after us making beautiful things out of our messes.  I got pretty much the same response as I did when I posted Crossroads.

I found myself feeling frustrated by the comments I received.  Not because I disagreed with any of them, but rather, because I felt like I didn’t properly express what I was trying to.  Then on Sunday night my friend, Amy, said the right word: anticipation.  I don’t question these sorts of things because I have doubt.  I have no question that God plays a huge role in my life.  I question these more out of anticipation of reaching the gates of heaven.  Anticipation for one day having the veil lifted and having an understanding to the questions “why?” and “how?”  Anticipation if I will even understand it all when I get there.  Maybe this isn’t something that will ever be explained.  How can I know for certain?

Frankly, I don’t think it really matters one way or the other – as long as I remember that Christ is with me and I remember to turn it over to Him.  You know, maybe he’s only in charge if we let him.  Maybe he only comes and makes beautiful things out of the dust when we pray and ask him to.  But I feel like there are times that I should have asked for help and I didn’t, yet I still feel like he helped me through it.  How does that work?

It’s hard for me to listen to what others think – I question on how they could possibly know.  Is it spelled out in the bible somewhere?

I’m excited to know what heaven looks like.  I know I really struggled with that after Owen died.  I couldn’t picture where he was or what he looked like.  Does he have the same face?  What form do we take on when we are up there with the big guy?  Maybe we are more like beams of light – but how do you tell one person’s light from another?  I know that there is supposed to be roads of gold.  But how kinds of roads?  Are they like the yellow brick road?  Is there only one road or does it go off in 100’s of directions?  Or maybe the roads are more like the roads in the game Mario Galaxy.  All of these questions and wonderings.  Yet, it doesn’t seem to alter my faith that is all exists.  It’s true and real.  It’s good and something I yearn for more of.  Yet, it’s nothing I’ve ever seen.  I can’t picture it.

I question out of anticipation and excitement (and hope) that I will one day see all of these things.

Love, Mel