Have you ever looked in the mirror and all you saw was your flaws and broken-ness? Everything that was wrong with you and your life. All of your mistakes and horrible things you have done. I know I have… more than once actually.
Somewhere I lost my way and lost my confidence and found myself in the middle of trouble and doubt. My heart beats a little sadder, my step is a little heavier. My usual demeanor is weighed down by all the junk that is going on. How do you recover from these times? How are these tares and rips mended? How am I washed clean again? Filling up my cup of confidence, so it overflows with joy and blessings again?
I have found that it usually takes me hitting rock bottom before I am able to admit I’m in trouble. It takes things to get so far beyond my control or so horrible for me to finally act upon my hurt. Seek mending to my pain. I can tread water for a really long time, fooling myself that things will get better soon, if I just swim longer or try harder. I convince myself that “this too shall pass.” But something happens that makes me realize it’s not going to pass on its own. I can’t just wait out this storm. I have to work at it. I need to do something.
I can’t do it alone – I’ve never been able to. I need prayer. I need guidance. I need grace and mercy. I need to find the voice that once was crystal clear to me – my conscience – the Holy Spirit who guides me. It’s almost funny how clear things are when you are laying flat on your back at the very bottom – looking up through the depths of the waters above you.
While my mending begins with my first action, it isn’t possible without love & forgiveness. I can’t be made whole again on my own. My mending usually begins with my journal. Something almost magical happens when my pen hits the paper (or my fingers hit the keyboard). I let go of what others might think and I let out the raw truth that is swimming in my head. I try to leave my own judgement of my thoughts at the door as well.
“I shouldn’t write that because it’s wrong to think or feel that way.” I am healed and slowly mended by letting all the garbage and junk out. Being honest with myself about how I really feel or what is really going on.
As I let go of all the stuff that weighs me down, I find that I start to float back up to the surface – where I can breathe again, where I can see all of my blessings and where my cup overflows with joy. The surface is where I am able to be the child that God intended me to be. Where my strengths are recognized and my faults are still loved.
I can’t be released from these burdens without letting go of them myself. I have to the first one who unties the knot. The rest is up to God – His love and mercy will bring me to the surface again so I can breathe and think clearly.
Angie Smith (one of my role models) just released a book titled “Mended” where she too explores how her own broken-ness and flaws can be made into something beautiful. She’s an excellent writer and a true inspiration! This book is next on my list of books to read. You can purchase your own copy here or here. Maybe we could even read it together…
Thank you Lord for my scars and cracks – it is when I hit rock bottom that I feel the closest to you.
As one of your “blog friends” and fellow traveler (as Ginny Owens says), I would LOVE to read “mended” with you! I am currently finishing the book “Shame Interrupted” by Ed Welch. Awesome! : ) Let me know when we will start mending together…..
I needed this today. I am drowning…and some days it feels as thought I’ll never reach the surface again. I enjoy reading your blog so much…and sometimes it just feels good to know that you can relate to someone else. Thanks, Mel!