Yesterday I attended the second day of the Women of Faith conference.  It was better than the first night.  One speaker spoke louder to me than the others – Brenda Warner.  Her story is similar to mine in many ways.  Her 4 month old son stopped breathing and she walked the same path as I did … wondering if her baby would wake up again.  Later she would find out that her (then) husband had dropped him on his head while giving him a bath.  Her son did recover – but not fully.  He still has severe brain damage which has left him with many handicaps in life.  I saw what Owen’s face could have been.  I saw a wonderfully loving and funny young man … someone who Owen could have grown up to be had he woke up.

I thought back to those nights in the hospital.  When, at night by his bedside – holding his cold little baby hand, I didn’t pray for Owen to come back to me, but rather, I prayed for God’s will to be done.  I whispered into Owen’s ear when Doug was asleep that if Owen didn’t want to come back to his broken body, I would be ok.  I would understand.  I didn’t want him to come back to me just because he thought I would be broken if he left.  I didn’t want him living in a body that was more of a prison cell to him.  See, I knew that he would have brain damage.  I had been unresponsive for over an hour.  I knew that if he came back he wouldn’t be the same boy that was laid in his crib for bed on May 21, 2011.  He would be different – his body would fail him in many ways.

BUT if he wanted to come back – if he wasn’t ready to leave this world, I would take care of him – I would love and help him through life.  As a mother, I didn’t know what was best – him to be alive or him to be in heaven.  I didn’t know if my prayers for him to wake up were selfish or if they were what God wanted.  I didn’t know so I prayed for the strength to let God’s will be done.  I prayed that Owen would feel my love even as he was in a coma.  I prayed that if Owen had a choice he would know how much I loved him – I loved him so much that I just wanted him to be content – I didn’t want him to worry about me and what I wanted.  This was his choice – his life.  He was only 6 months old – yet, I knew as a mother, I couldn’t ask him to come back if it meant he would be unhappy.

I don’t know what Brenda prayed those days – but I do know that she did answer God’s call and while her whole life was turned upside down a few times more … she continued to serve the Lord and to love her children.  Her son was at the conference – I looked at his handsome face and thought about Owen.  He looked so happy to be on stage, he looked so loved by his mother.  I couldn’t help but imagine what Owen would be like – how my life would have been different – what I would be doing on a ‘regular’ day if he were still here.  I even found parts of me that rejoiced that Owen was in heaven.  I have no doubt that Owen only knows pure joy each and every day.  I know he is not in pain.  I know he is not sad.  In the face of grief and pain and longing to hold one of my children, I rejoice knowing that Owen is in the best place possible – with his Father in Heaven.  And for that alone I can celebrate.

Love, Mel