A friend really let me down — she hurt my feelings. What really surprised me was how mad I got. It was an out of control – hands shaking – heart racing sort of anger. It came on so quick and without much warning. My head was swimming. I kept telling myself to just calm down, but my body wasn’t hearing the message. The adrenaline pumping through my veins. I started praying while putting away my groceries – Dear Lord, please take this anger away. Cleanse my heart of this so that I can see your wisdom in this situation.
It didn’t work – I still sent off a text message I really shouldn’t have. I said hurtful things out of anger … just because I lost control. The feels of being let down and frustration were legit – but the way I handled it wasn’t right. There were many better ways I could have handled it, but I just couldn’t seem to pull it together.
Have you ever totally lost your grip with reality? Lost control of your anger? Felt unglued?
I knew deep down there was something else that was making me spin out of control. Yes, the let down from my friend was hurtful – but it was something that should have sent me on such a crazy spiral. What was at the root of my anger?
I’m still working on figuring out the answer. I know my plate has been really full these days. To top it off, the triplets decided they weren’t going to take a nap all last week. My emotional tank is on overload. I have no patience left. But there has to be more to this melt down/freak out than just a rough week. I’ve had hard weeks before and I haven’t acted like this. Reflection, journaling and “me” time usually help. Talking with a trusted friend also teaches me a lot about my “inner workings.”
I do feel bad about the freak out and I need to go back to offer an olive branch. I wish I could say that I’ve gotten the rest of me figured out — got my ducks back in a row. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m still a mess and there really isn’t a point in pretending to be otherwise. My plate is still full and my emotional tank is on empty.
I’ll be ok – I always am. If God is for us than who could be against us? I’ll figure this out. Eventually. And that’s ok.