Last week, I’d been floating on OWENGE clouds. Little Warriors literally makes my heart beat differently. It gives me an electric kind of energy. Seeing all the children together because of Owen’s story. Ugh just typing it makes me smile.
Along with all of the Little Warrior preparations, I’ve had a lot of heavy “stuff” on my heart. Decisions I made years ago were causing me trouble now. I was doubting everything that I had been confident in. I was feeling like I went down the wrong path. I was frustrated with the pain because I had thought I was right – how did it turn out so wrong?
In the midst of all my errand running, in preparation for Saturday, I had a day-dream. Driving down Hwy 74, in my minivan with Despicable Me in the background, I had a vivid image appear.
I was standing before God, my heavenly Father … he looked a lot like my dad actually. He placed his hand on the top of my head. I was looking up at him going on and on …
“God – I thought I was doing what you wanted me to. I had my doubts. I didn’t want to do it. But I prayed – just like you told me I should. I prayed sooooo hard. I thought your answer was to follow through. I thought you wanted me to do this. But it’s so awful. And now I’m faced with the decision of un-doing it. Did I get it wrong back then? Were you trying to tell me something that I missed? Blessed are those who follow the Lord. I don’t feel blessed in this decision – what did I miss? I don’t want to miss your guidance again. Show me what I need to learn so that I will always be on your path …”
He stopped me mid sentence. Moved his hand from the top of my head to my cheek. “Child of mine, I have heard your prayers. You did exactly what you were supposed to do at that time. I know just how much you love me. You are a faithful servant and I love you so much. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. It will all work out – it’s part of my plan. Now go and know that you are loved.”
The weight was lifted … ok honestly? Not totally, but it did lift just enough to breathe. The first sense of relief in a long time … I felt relief that God didn’t blame me. I felt confident in my prayers and how I came to my decision years ago. God wasn’t disappointed in me. It wasn’t that I missed something … it’s that this hardship is apart of my path. I have to go through it. It wasn’t something that I could have avoided. This is not a consequence for my disobedience.
It doesn’t make the hardships any less – but I can carry them with a lighter heart. I am confident that God has not left me and that He will be with me as a travel the next couple of months.
Now I’m wondering what my dad is going to think when he finds out God looked like him in my daydream … haha