Words – so simple yet so powerful.
I’m not even sure where to start. The war, on the right words to choose, has been the root for my long absence in blogs. My words have been on my mind lately – what I choose to say, what I choose to leave silent. There are things I want to say, but it isn’t my place to be the one that delivers the news. There are things that I say with good intentions that hurt people I care about.
A college room mate and dear friend jokes with me that I have “diarrhea of the mouth.” I can talk about almost about anything with just about anyone. No topic is really off limits to me. More eloquently one could say, “I’m an open book.” But sometimes it all comes out at the wrong moment or in the wrong way. I’ve got a lot of depression in my history and I have learned that talking about stuff really helps. By being so open, I hope that I can minister, connect, teach or learn with others. But sometimes I go too far. I lack discernment.
I know there is a lesson in all this mess … it just needs to be sorted out. The pieces of the puzzle will eventually be put together. It’s just really garbled right now. I know the key to the mystery is discernment. Choose wisely.
What is the distinction between gossip and retelling facts to a story? When intentions are pure and innocent, yet the facts hurt or embarrass someone? Is it still gossip if the state of your heart is pure?
I am learning that I talk … a lot. I enjoy telling stories. I like being in the “know.” I find comfort in understanding the “why” behind things. I find reassurance when I am able to explain it to someone else … it gives me self-worth.
At my previous job, I learned that Communication is a strength of mine. Networking came easily – I was a “jack of all trades.” I was a warehouse of random, yet useful, information. I knew who to go to with each question and I was independent when needing answers to my questions. I found pride in being able to solve problems on my own.
I’m not sure when or how it happened, but I soon started getting energy from knowing things. It’s almost like an addiction for me. I get a high from knowing “everything.” I am uncomfortable when I don’t know someone or who to go to with a question. Somewhere along the line I didn’t just like to be “in the know,” I needed to be.
Perhaps that’s the line between gossip and knowledge gathering/sharing … when you need it or get a high from it rather than being done out of functionality.
So I suppose that’s my deep confession as to why I haven’t been blogging lately. I’ve been struggling with what parts of my life that are mine to share and what parts should remain silent. I really miss writing. I miss sharing the deep parts of me that let me connect with so many around the world. Bare with me – I’ll be back and writing with a fury soon! I’ve just got to sort out how I should be using my words and what is mine to tell …