I recently watched this video that was posted on a friend’s facebook wall.
I found myself with tears dripping down my face (ps did I mention I was at work? just a little awkward …). I kept watching the teen girl’s faces with the same tears running down their cheeks. I thought to myself, “Gosh, I’m a grown up, I should know this stuff. What he is saying that I haven’t already heard?” What I started to realize, is that in many ways I’m still a scarred, un-confident, self-doubting, unsure, insecure teenage girl on the inside. I’m still worried about what I look like, or if I’m saying or doing the right things to “fit in.” I say I believe that I am worthy, but do I really believe it? Am I just telling myself that, in hopes that one day I will know it? Hoping that when I look in the mirror I will see someone worthy of love, worthy of respect or worthy of happiness?
Do I really think that I am “good enough?” No … I probably don’t. I look in the mirror and I still see all the things I didn’t do – the dishes I didn’t clean, the opportunity I let pass me by, the mistakes I’ve made, the “what-ifs” of my past. I still see my cracks and flaws. I know that I have beautiful parts too – but I don’t often see them when I’m staring back at my broken soul in the mirror.
I say all this while still knowing that I am loved. I still know that people respect. I know that my friends enjoy spending time with me. But do I believe this of myself? If there was no one in my life whispering me words of strength and encouragement, would I see myself in the same light? I’d have to say no – I don’t think I would. I am broken and shattered without those who love me. I fall apart, I am insecure, I doubt everything I have ever done if it weren’t for someone whispering to me that I matter.
Shouldn’t I be able to stand strong on my own? Shouldn’t I see myself as precious? I want to be … but more often times than not, I find myself hoping that someone else will find me lovable or that someone else will see my brokeness as beautiful. I’m not sure this is the best way to live … always waiting for someone else to validate you. Always waiting for someone else to tell you that you matter. But how do I get to a place where I love myself, not matter what anyone else says to me? How do we help our teenage girls, who are so delicate, learn the same lesson I am learning at 30?
I am still a scared teenage girl inside. I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what makes me special. I’m still a little awkward … still trying on new faces to see which fits me better. I wonder if this part of me will ever “grow up.” Is what I feel normal for a mother of four? Should I feel more confident in myself? I have no idea … I ‘ve never asked anyone else. I’ve been too scared of the answering being “No, I don’t feel like that … it’s just you.” Then that means I’m weak, I’m alone, I’m not like anyone else.
This video stirred up something real in me. I hear God whispering this lesson to me in many different ways. “Melissa, child of mine, you are perfect just the way you are and I want you to know that. I want you to see what I see in you. And I want you to know this without needing anyone else to tell you that.” I guess I have an idea on what it is that I need to learn … I’m just not sure if I’ll ever truly believe those words.