ARG! Why can’t there be more hours in the day? Why do I need so much sleep? There are so many things I want to do during the day and there just isn’t enough time for it all.
I love my job. I want to be there during the day. But I want to be playing with my boys while sipping on my morning coffee. I cherish my 20 minute drive to work – I’ve been listening to a wonderful book on tape. But I’d rather be making a warm, homemade meal for my boys and hearing about Jaden’s day at school. I want to spend the evening hanging out with the boys, but there are baths and homework and dishes to wash. I want to lay in bed and fall asleep with the boys in my arms, but there are crochet patterns to try and bills to pay. I want to do it all, but I find that I am either rushing from one thing to the next or completely letting something fall to the way side.
I want to be more, do more, try more, accomplish more. I’m constantly feeling under-productive – like I could have gotten more done. Yet I feel like I’m not really enjoying what I am currently doing because I’m thinking about the next thing on my list.
I need to slow down. I need to say no. I need to re-evaluate my priorities and make sure I am I choosing wisely where to spend my energy. What is most important? What will help me re-energize rather than just drain energy.
I know I’m doing the best that I can. I know I’ll look back on these days and remember how hard I worked and not how much I didn’t have time for. I also know that this will be temporary. Things will calm down. It is the holidays … I will get the hang of this working thing. My life will one day be more organized. It’s just really hard to see that when you are still at the bottom of the barrel.
I am surrounded by good friends. I know they are thinking of me, even though I don’t have time to pick up the phone and call. I know they still care. I just wish I had time for them like I used to. I miss having play dates or mid-day text conversations. I miss finding excuses for going out to dinner. I miss having the emotional energy to think of anything else besides what’s going on in my own world.
I feel self-focused, self-centered and needy. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel like I can do it on my own. I hate having to need someone else. To know that, without the help of my family, I wouldn’t be able to make ends meet. I can’t be in six places at once and I just need help. I hate not being independent. My ego is just too big for my situation right now.
I have on too many layers to fit into God’ frame he has prepared for me. He’s working slowly, but surely, on chiseling away the outer shell. He’s gently showing me how to be humble, how to accept the help. He’s showing me how to be flexible and how to let things roll off my back. He’s showing me grace, over and over again. Letting me fail and fall, flat on my face, and then picking me up and loving me over and over again.
I know I need to take off some of my layers to fit into God’s picture. Sometimes the process is painful – each piece chipping away is a dull pain, like a painful paper cut – throbbing. Or like a peeling sunburn – the skin is left tender and raw. Other times, the layers coming off is freeing. I’m able to stretch and breathe a little – like a weight is lifted. Either way the transformation and transition is uncomfortable. It’s painful even. Yet it’s necessary and unavoidable. Following Christ is not always the easy choice – but it’s one I’d make over and over again.