How do I begin to explain the journey I’ve been on for the past 1 year, 2 months and 20 days? I know people are all wondering about Doug – I don’t know why to eloquently write that my marriage was one huge failure and we are now divorced. Irreconcilably damaged. How do I begin to explain the amount of failure and shame I feel? I wasn’t able to let the anger go. I wasn’t able to make him happy. We slowly began to fight more and more until we got to the point where we couldn’t even sit in the same room anymore. After begging Doug to attend marriage counseling for over a year, there is a very real part of me that feels like I could have done more. It failed – there must have been something I didn’t do that I could have done to save my marriage. Right?
No one gets married with the expectation that it will end in divorce. It’s a journey of grief in itself. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
There was so much I had to say – but blogging about it would not have done any good – only hurt. I was consumed with anger, disappointment, defensiveness, self-protection, was in survival mode. The blog isn’t a place for those private yet vividly real emotions.
In the long run, divorce will be a healthy choice for us and for our boys. To be honest, there are parts of me that feel it was doomed from the beginning. Not sure I could quantify why I think that … just hear that whisper every once in a while.
I have needed my privacy in dealing with this life change – I am thankful for the understanding and support I have received as I have shared my writer’s block. It’s not all my story – there is another person who is alive and well who shares this story with me. And even if we are “irreconcilably damaged” – there is a sense of privacy and respect for the decisions the two of us had to make for ourselves and for our family. I appreciate your continued respect for the privacy of this story – for the sake of the boys.
This is the main reason why I sit on my couch, laptop on my knees, white wine in my hand … confused on what to write. Feeling bound by privacy. The divorce has consumed my thoughts and emotions in entirety. It has consumed my conscience and un-conscience thoughts. I have lived and breathed it for 1 year, 2 months and 20 days.
I face a new tomorrow. A fresh start. A time to reinvent what my life will look like. I carry dark baggage with me – lessons, learnings and hardship. More scars have been carved into my soul. One day they will heal and begin to fade – always being there, just less visible.
For I am about to do something new.See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?I will make a pathway through the wilderness.I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.Isaiah 43:19