Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

I panic in the quiet. I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. At church, on Sunday, I found myself feeling uneasy … I got up, went to the bathroom, stopped to chat with Jamie who was watching her son in the narthex, sat by another friend who was sitting outside of the sanctuary as well. I was afraid of sitting still – of what I might have to think about – the thoughts I wasn’t ready to face.

Then, it was time. I sat in my seat and forced myself to stay there. Then I heard the message – I am good enough, just the way I am. God loves me for exactly where I am in life, and who I am today. I don’t need to be anything different to please him. I was next to an amazing friend – her shoulder a resting place for my heavy head. Her hand a source of strength. (She didn’t have any tissues tho … had to find those myself haha.)

I found that when I stopped moving, when I stopped DOING and just sat … all my anxiety turned into words and fears. Ones I need to feel so I can face them. The tears poured and the healing began to creep in.

I love God with all of my heart and soul. I believe in Him with every fiber of my body. I crave to hear His whispers, and I only desire to live out the plan He knit me with. Yet, unknowingly, I try to take back control over my life. I start to think about what would make ME happy, rather than what would be pleasing to Him.

Maybe you’ll critique me for this next thought … maybe I’m completely wrong. But I have a hunch on how to live … I should live a life that is solely pleasing to the Lord – not myself, not my parents or siblings, not what society thinks is right, not what my friends encourage me to do. ONLY what is pleasing to Him.

When I start to feel strong – like in recent weeks … I snowblowed my driveway all on my own, I finished all of the laundry in the house, I love my job, I have good friends in my life, things are going ok … I start to wonder what it is that I want out of life. I desperately want love – to be loved, to have someone to love. I start to see that I’m alone. The anxiety or the fear that I’m not ok alone starts to set in. I suppose much like when Adam and Eve realized that they were naked after taking a bite of the forbidden fruit. When they were chugging along in the garden they were happy, content and pleasing to God. Then, all of a sudden, they thought they needed something else – they thought “hey what do I want in this garden?” And then they felt uneasy – they weren’t ok just the way they were. They needed to hide.

I wish I could just give that darn forbidden fruit back! I swear if I ever run across a time machine, I’m going straight back to visit Eve. Girl, do NOT eat that fruit – you have no idea how good you have it!

Yet, here we are – broken and loved in spite of it.

My mom tags me in posts on facebook of scripture on how to be comfortable in the quiet … I agree. It’s something I need to work on. I’m not good in the quiet – I am anxious and nervous and upset and then that little voice in my head starts going crazy!!! Thank you mom for your continued encouragement and love. You usually know what I need before I do and before I’m ready to accept the help I need too. Thank you for loving me even when I am unlovable.

Cheers to the quiet! Bring on the silence! I might just have a complete breakdown (sort of like on Sunday) … the tears might not stop until I fall asleep. But that’s ok – these tears are like keys opening my soul for magical healing. God will mend me – he will be with me in the silence, patiently waiting until I am ready to hear His voice. I know He’s there. I was so connected with him. Thank goodness God doesn’t mind an up and down relationship … He doesn’t mind the drama of loving someone who is hot and cold. Thank you Jesus for being the man in my world – the rock in my life.

Love, Mel