As much as I believe in Jesus, I am anxious about what will or will not happen. I know that feeling anxious implies I do not trust what the Lord has in plan … I’m just being honest here. I worry … A LOT. I stress about tomorrow, about what I should or shouldn’t have said, about what others think of me. I really worry that someone will just stop liking me. I find myself reading other people to decide which “Mel” to give them. Is this person safe to be the religious Mel with? Or should I just play it cool? My toes curl and my muscles clench.
I’m really trying to remind myself to relax and trust – that worrying about stuff isn’t going to solve anything. It’s gonna be what it’s gonna be. IT”S NOT WORKING!!! I’m still a ball of stress, worry and sleeplessness. I don’t know how to make the stress clam down. I don’t know how to put my worry on the shelf and not think about it for an hour. It consumes me – it takes over all my thoughts and consciousness.
I know what it’s like to want something someone else doesn’t. I know what it’s like to think about something that no one else cares about. I know what it’s like to feel utterly alone. I feel like I’m a cat – clawing at the walls – itching to get out.
I’m not sure where I’m going – where I’m supposed to go or even IF I’m supposed to go. I have no clue. All I know is that my heart races in the silence. My toes curl with anxiety. I have no clue what tomorrow holds or if tomorrow will come. Ok I’m pretty sure the sun will rise – I mean tomorrow as in the next phase in life. The new beginning each morning promises.
I hold my head up … not to miss the signs. Not to miss God place His hand on my shoulder. I hold myself up to remind myself that I am strong – even if I don’t feel like it. I give myself pep talks during the day. And most importantly (I think) I confide in a friend – a loved one. I find rest in community – in friendship – in companionship.
I don’t have answers … in fact, I don’t even think I have inspiring words to end this post with. All I have to offer tonight is to know that I’m broken along side you. I’m a ball of stress just like the next gal. You are no alone my friend …