I sat down tonight to write about something happy and funny – anything happy and funny really. And the only words I hear are “I just want to be loved. I just want someone to love me.” I don’t want to write about this part of me – it sounds pathetic and wrongly focused. I am loved. My family loves me to the moon and back. My children love me. Jesus loves me most of all. He IS the man in my life 😉
But there is still something missing – that partner piece. That person who is as invested in life, children and home as I am. Someone to share with – to navigate life together. I remember a conversation I had with my dad … he travels all around the world. He’s been to so many exotic places. When I told him how cool it must be to have seen more of the world than most people ever have the opportunity to see, he answered quickly and without hesitation, “the places are amazing, but they aren’t anything if you don’t have anyone to share them with. All of you are at home, it’s hard to really appreciate a place when you don’t have your family to share it with.” I suppose that’s sort of how I’m feeling these days.
My parents, sister and brother are my “go-to” peeps these days. They are the ones that I call when I need to vent, or when I have something to celebrate. They are my problem solvers, parenting advisers, toilet plunging backup. They are my better half. But there is this small gap … this is my life, my house, my children. This is my nest that I’m rebuilding and ultimately, these are my choices. They can share their input and they can share in the experiences, but they each have their own lives too. I’m steering this boat all on my own. The responsibility lays solely on my shoulders. What am I going to make of myself?
But this stuff is heavy, messy and not really inspiring. I feel like I’m having a huge wimpy cry fest. It reveals a lot of my “unhealed” parts. I want to be ok. I want to kick these divorce blues in the butt! I want to come out on the other end stronger than ever, but here I am, writing all this sad crap.
I want to hurry up and get to the good parts. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever to get my dessert! It’s about time that my fairy tale dreams come true … but who am I to say when it’s time? I suppose the boss upstairs has more teaching in mind. There is more work for me to do here in the trenches.
I’ll be okay – God is faithful and good all the time. He’s on my side and fighting right along with me. I’m a warrior. I’m a survivor. Divorce is tough, but I am tougher.