There are some very serious moments that I wish I was one of those classy ladies … you know the ones that can pull off heels with any outfit, that always have their nails painted, they have a cute laugh, they know the right thing to say and they can hold their tongue (not literally, but figuratively). But I’m not. I bite my nails … I love my flip flops … I snort when I laugh …
I mean I can try to be more composed – I can put on that “well put together” face, but it only lasts so long. I’m like a kinked hose on full blast. It all builds up behind and when you let go – watch out! It all comes sputtering out. I’m messy. I’m emotional. I say too much. I’m raw and emotional. I have no boundaries when it comes to talking about “stuff.” My life is open … I share lots of things that “normal” people might not.
Here’s a good spot for a story … I’m a spaz. I leave cabinets open all the time. It’s like a tornado just came through the kitchen when I’m done cooking. Drove Doug nuts. He would get so irritated with me … couldn’t understand why I couldn’t remember to just shut a cabinet. I honestly don’t know why – perhaps I’m just doing too much at once or too excited to get on to the next thing that I don’t fully finish what I was in the midst of. I know I’m not perfect and I have idiosyncrasies that drive others nuts. But I want to be loved despite them. I want someone to giggle and shake their head when they see cabinets left open … “Mel was here.” When I lived in the rental, I would sit down for the night and could see right into the kitchen … cabinets were open all of the time. No one got mad. In fact, I often shook my head and said … yep I live here.
There is a deep desire to be comfortable in my own skin and for people to like me. There is a real fear of being judged or looked down on. I live my life out loud. There is no changing that. But, when I live out loud, you always know where you stand with me. I love you. Plain and simple – I love everyone. You’ll always have a friend in me – even if we didn’t end on good terms. If you call, I’ll be there. Second changes are given freely (sometimes too freely). I believe in second chances.
So here I am, with my open cabinets, hoping I can bare my soul without being judged. Praying that one day I will find someone who will love my messy self. Maybe it’s not in the cards for me to find true love. Maybe my work is to learn how to love myself. I’ll continue to pray for love every night. There isn’t enough love in this world … love each other.