Screaming White Silence

There are these moments … usually when everyone else in the house is asleep. I can hear a buzz … I can hear all of the gears in my brain turning and spinning. There are these moments when life seems crystal clear – too much is happening. There is too much iPad time, too much sugar, too much TV, too many inappropriate lyrics on the radio, too many hours in a car this week, too many expectations on kids – let them be kids already!

Then, there are these moments that center me. There are these moments that I feel God on the couch next to me. And still there are these moments when He is nowhere to be found.

I get mad … sometimes I get really really frustrated and everything just ticks me off. The fact that you brought a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to work could irritate me. These moments are when you need to just accept that I’m pissy and meet me there.

There are these other moments when nothing can alter my calmness. I am in complete control of what comes out of my mouth. I’m cool as a cucumber.

But man, those other moments – those moments when the very sound of a clock ticking can send me over the edge. Poor clock is just doing what God intended … keeping time, rhythmic and steady. Yet, that constant tick tick tick can just send me right into a frenzy.

What defines one moment vs another? How are some moments in life crystal clear and others a thick fog?

I sit here feeling both. I want to scream and shout … I’m really pissed off. And another part of me is totally at peace and ready to sleep. The parts of me that are screaming are ticked off that there isn’t enough money or time to go to seminary. The part of me that is at peace is finally knowing that I was made to go to seminary. And the two truths collide. I want to break out of my administrative role and begin a role in programing. Yet, realistically, there isn’t that change in my near future.

I’m not happy with God’s pace … I want things to happen faster. I’m mad at God, telling him off as to why He let me realize this at the very moment there is no possible way of starting graduate school … yet I am so thankful that I know another step to living out my calling. Faster God .. my days here are numbered – I’m but a whisper in the wind … could we speed up the process so I can enjoy the peace of coming into my calling? If we don’t get this seminary thing going, I’m going to miss out on a lot.

I don’t understand God’s timing. I don’t understand how emotions can be so strong in two totally different directions. Gosh, I don’t understand a lot. I do know that God loves me … I do know that he is the most loving father … and I do know that His timing is perfect.

So, in the middle of the night, when the white noise is so loud I can’t go to sleep … I pray for the peace of God which transcends all understanding. I long for the closeness with my Creator, so that timing and reason no longer matter. I beg for patience and yield to the perfect timing of the greatest love of my life.

Love, Mel

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