Have you ever felt like a song was speaking directly to you? On Sunday morning it felt like a song I had heard a hundreds times before had a totally different meaning. As I sang “all things are possible” I finished with “even having a birthday party for my boys that celebrates Logan and Weston while remembering Owen.” It is possible to have the perfect balance. But I can’t do it on my own … my faith will help me, my family and friends will help me. I need to stop trying to plan and just let it happen. It’s those spontaneous moments that are the most beautiful anyway.
All the ‘stuff’ that needs to get done will find a way of being completed. I’m not going to worry about it. I’ll be exhausted by the party if I do. A pastor from New Orleans was preaching on Sunday … he said two things that have rang clear to me. The first was “Let go and let God.” I’ve just got to roll with the punches. He’ll take care of the rest. Stop trying to control the situation. I think my sister called me out on the honest truth – I’m trying to fix this pain I feel by doing “stuff” like sew owls, knitting the triplets hats and staying busy. It’s too painful to sit still and feel the stabbing in my heart. To allow the hole in my heart from Owen’s death eat me alive. I’m running from the pain and anger I should be feeling. It’s easier to busy myself with the things of this world until the pain passes. It never goes away for good though … it always comes back. Damn grief. Let go and let God heal – comfort – carry the pain for me …
The second thing that the southern pastor said was “I don’t know what my God has planned for me, but I do know what He is capable of.” Wow. Melissa stop trying to figure everything out. Stop trying to make sense of my purpose. When Owen was in the hospital and right after the funeral, everyone kept saying I was handling everything with such grace. Graceful has never been a word used to describe me. I say the wrong things at the wrong times. I trip over my own two feet, forget my purse in shopping carts, lose my keys in the grocery store (I hate to admit on several occasions). I swear at the worst times. I even said “shut the front door” when I met the WI state governor. Graceful is not really in my genes. Yet, I heard it a thousand times. I feel clumsy and lost these days. I am panicked. Lost. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to write about. I’ve lost sight of what is really important again. What the hell am I doing?
I just need to start with my heart. I don’t need a clear and sure idea of what my purpose is. I just need to believe in what He is capable of. I have always loved surprises. My room mates surprised me with a party for my 21st birthday … amazing! Yet, I have such a hard time being patient. I want to plan everything out. I heart lists and calendars. I think the reason why I haven’t had more surprises in my life is because I lose faith that someone else will take care of it for me. So I end up planning my own birthday parties. The same with my life. I need to take a freaking chill pill. Lay back, relax. I don’t have to figure it all out. I just have to have faith that it will all work itself out. Let go and let God. He’ll take care of everything, if I only let him.
I didn’t try to plan anything when Owen was in the hospital. I let my heart lead the way. In fact I tried my hardest not to think about things like planning a funeral. I found it foolish to plan what kind of shoes I was going to wear. In stead, I allowed myself to be totally present in what was going on. I allowed myself to be surprised and I gave the Holy Spirit an empty canvas to paint. That’s where grace came from. Letting go. Prayer. Love. Heart. Soul.
Let go. Let it all go … it will be ok. Never perfect, but ok. I can love Owen and still celebrate Logan and Weston. It’s ok to still love and celebrate. It will be ok. Those moments of remembering Owen will come on their own. It will be beautiful because it will be spontaneous. A true masterpiece. Grace.
Love, Mel