10 years ago tonight, my life changed its trajectory. 10 years ago to the hour, I was in the ER of Waukesha Memorial Hospital waiting to see if Owen’s heart would ever beat again. How has it been 10 years already? Looking back so much has happened since that day.
As I sat down at my computer to start sharing with you (as I have done for so many years) Weston came out of his bedroom. “Mama, what are you doing?” I explained to him that Owen’s heart stopped 10 years ago today. He wanted to see him. So I pulled the book (I printed just for immediate family) off of the bookshelf. It’s a combination of the private photos we had taken and the blogs I published during Owen’s hospital journey.
Weston read the book out loud to me. Just pause for a second and soak that in. My sweet innocent infant who died a decade ago had his triplet brother read the story of the end of his life to his mother tonight. I cried; overwhelmed and aware of the significance of Owen’s triplet brother reading my thoughts, worries, pain and prayers out loud. Hearing my words read back to me from my youngest was intense. His questions, comments and feelings shared in innocent maturity. I was not prepared.
Jaden and I have worked through the loss of Owen together. He’s old enough to have memories of the night. Weston has no memories of his own. I remember his crib being the farthest from the door. While the paramedics worked on Owen, I looked down on Weston in his crib and I prayed that he be protected from the evil that was happening in the same room.
In true transparency, I didn’t even realize what today was until a friend, who was there that night, texted me today. She remembered, but I, as Owen’s mom, was unaware of what today marked.
Ten years ago, I was working with a group of women at my (then) church to start a mom’s group. The women came to my house and we made iron-on T-shirts to announce our new Supermoms group. Meanwhile, my sister and her two besties watched the triplets and Jaden upstairs.
I will never forget the image of Jamie, sitting on the basement stairs looking at me saying, “This is good. This is really good.” I knew I had made a forever friend.
Today … what an odd word. I know what I felt this time a decade ago … and when I compare it to what I feel today … there is guilt, thankfulness, confusion and worry about my alive boys. Owen continues to be part of my everyday language. Logan and Weston are still called triplets … because they are triplets! I get to decide who gets to know that Owen died. Yet, we haven’t shared a lot of the details of what happened.
I’m honestly overwhelmed with the realization of it being ten years since I last saw Owen’s eyes glimmer, or heard his baby coo, or touched his warm chubby thighs.
To think that ten years ago today we would have just gotten Owen’s heartbeat back and we were living in the shred – the 2%. We had no idea that he would die. We also had no idea that our family patriarch would lose his battle with cancer seven years later. We had no idea I would meet a kind, gentle and honest man who would bring me three amazing and beautiful daughters. Or that my sister would meet her husband and bring two beautiful children into the world making me an auntie.
I’m thankful for the support and love. I’m thankful that God has been with me every step of the way. I’m thankful for my family and I’m thankful for the memories of Owen.