Crying Over Nothing & Everything

I know I’m not alone when I say, “I’m tired.” This pandemic has drained me emotionally, spiritually and physically. Today marks exactly 180 days since I received notice that my office would be closing and I would need to work remotely. Things since then have slowly begun to unravel, little by little.

I don’t know what “normal” is anymore. Every day seems to be nothing and exactly like the day prior.

I found myself crying last night because of everything and nothing at all.

Life is now a constant oxymoron.

While the day-to-day feels mundane, the “life stuff” feels suffocating. I’m overwhelmed with worry ALL.THE.TIME. I worry about the kids being in class face-to-face. I worry about Jaden learning virtually and missing his friends. I worry about the kind of “pandemic mom” I am; constantly behind with no real excuse.

I’ve done my best to stay connected to others. I’ve learned that “me time” is important to my mental health. I know it’s important for me to feel like I’m sharing a community. I haven’t been living in a bubble. However, it still amazes me how lonely I can feel.

It used to be that my family would go their separate ways during the day and come together at night. Now we are together all the time, yet in our own rooms and never really come together at the end of the day. Our new normal, even while we are physically closer, leave me feeling more distant from my loved ones.

I love my boys so much. They are always on my mind and on my heart. I don’t want to say they are my whole world, because that sounds overbearing. But I’ve always loved passionately and with my whole heart. Gary gently reminded me that our boys are at the age when they don’t need their mama as much. It’s nothing that I’ve done, but rather the circle of life. My boys aren’t babies anymore – they are growing up.

I want my boys to always know just how much I love them. I pray for the patience to listen when they just need to talk. I pray for calmness when they push my buttons. I only hope that I can be the kind of role model they need in order to grow up to be the men God intended them to be.

How are you surviving 2020? Am I alone when I cry for everything and nothing all at once?

Love, Mel

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